There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants to see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
"Gee, Doc, what did you do?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
Mid-life is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, was with his friends, hitting the Guinness and having a contest at who could make the best toast. He hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" He said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
The next day she ran into one of his buddies on the street. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex or a date in quite some time. She was afraid that she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go & see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So, she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK,preeze take off all your crose"The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down & craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom".
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me".
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head & said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachery disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates".
Confused, the woman said, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed zachery disease?"
Dr Chang replied...."Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your a*se!"