CuddlesCorner

Cuddles Corner
Submitted by Chris Skelhorn

Subject: Drive Thru Banking

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie - POOF it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. She says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" POOF - the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up and she says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" POOF - the mirror swallows her up.

I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.
Mark Viduka

Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.
David Beckham

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.
Neville Southall

I've had 14 bookings this season 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.
Paul Gascoigne

I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.
Alan Shearer

You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and were knocked out.
Peter Shilton

I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.
Stan Collymore

I was watching the Blackburn game on TV Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.
Ade Akinbiyi

Leeds is a great club and its been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.
Jonathan Woodgate

I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.
Lee Hendrie

Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today.
Steve Lomas

I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.
Barry Venison

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.
David Beckham

The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukrainians will be more European.
Phil Neville

One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.
Alan Shearer

I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.
Les Ferdinand

It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.
Richard Rufus

There's no in between, you're either good or bad. We were in between.
Gary Lineker

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

Whilst working in Drumchapel Glasgow she was in the local primary school one day and was telling the infants the story of the three little pigs.

She reached the part in the story about the wolf coming too the second house which was made of wood.

"Let me in let me in by my chinny chin chin or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow bloooooow your house down!"

One little tot in the front of the class turned to his pal and said in all innocence, "He's a b******d that big wolf, isn't he!".

Just goes to show you again, be careful what you say in front of the kids or grandkids, be very careful.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said," Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly. "You know very well that he died of diarrohea, not gonorrhea.

" Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the
little shit he always was."

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her behind was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. please advise."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know."

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Good Grief, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For two bucks I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the Town hall.

Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there."

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there too, not moving."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? We don't have a swimming pool... Is this 858-7039?"

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me"

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, the wife got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"