Can Crushing Contraptions

Ella was busy Drying her hair ...When the Door Went.

Boaby ..Slightly annoyed that his Reading of the Football coverage in the Back pages of the Daily Record had been disturbed .. Yanked the Door open.

AYE! ....Whit is it? ..Asked Boaby gruffly

The Young clean cut man at the door held out a White Plastic bag.

BetterWare ..He announced

Better Wear Whit? asked Boaby (As usual getting things mixed up) Are you insinuating I should pit a Plastic bag ower ma Heid? ..Cause if yea are ...I'll pit my fit where the Sun don't shine.

Luckily... Ella hearing Boaby raising his Voice ...came to the Rescue.

OH! ...Is that my Betterware ...Son ...How much do I owe yea?

Twenty Four Pounds ...Missus

AYE! ...Nay problem ...Son ...Here yea are said Ella ..Handing over the Money ...Before closing the Door.

TWENTY "BLUDDY" FOUR POUNDS ....Yer aff yer Knapper Woman Whit the HELL are yea Wastin all that Money on.

ACH... Hud yer wheest...Said Ella ... I bought a Couple O things ...But this is the Main one

Ella dragged a large weird Contraption from the Bag.

AND JIST WHIT IS THAT?.. asked Boaby looking at the Metal & Plastic object ...That Ella was holding.

Its a Can Crusher ...Said Ella

AH WHIT? ...Screamed Boaby

Well ...We huv all tae protect the Environment these Days ...Re- Cycling and that ...This machine Flattens yer cans Making them Easier tae Re-Cycle.

Its no the Bluddy cans that Needs Flattened in this Hoose ..Said Boaby

Anyway! ..Said Ella ..I'm off tae the Bingo ...So you kin get yer Drill oot and Pit this up oan the Kitchen Wall fur me.

AH!.. But .......

Nae Arguments Boaby ...Said Ella ... Yer no going tae nae Pub or Bookies ...Yer staying at hame and pitting that thing Up.

Surely tae God ye'll no get intae Trouble in yer Ain Hoose.

That look in Ella Eyes were enough to tell Boaby that the Argument was a Waste of Time ..When Ella made up her mind ...Nothing would change it.

Ella had left for her Bingo Session ...Boaby had found his Drill and was In the Kitchen Wondering where to put it

Boaby Held the Crusher up on the Wall ... His short arms were at Full Stretch But Still the Handle was only about Head Height for Ella.

"Bugger It" ...Said Boaby putting the Machine Down and getting a Small Blue Stool.

AH! ...That's Better ...Said Boaby ...And marked the Position of the Drill Holes of the Wall with his Pencil.

30 Minutes Later ...Wee Boaby Soaked in Sweat and covered with a Fine white Plaster Dust had the Machine firmly fixed on the Kitchen Wall.

"Christ Its warm Work".. Cursed the Wee man ...Removing his shirt.

A Bare Chested Boaby Stood in the Kitchen admiring his Handiwork.

Time tae Test the Bugger ...Said Boaby...Getting a 6 pack of "Tennants Lager" from the Fridge.

Two cans had Disappeared down Boabys Throat and a Third was half done before his thirst was satisfied.

Right! ...Said Boaby ...Lets try yea ..Boaby placed one of his Empty Lager cans into the Opening in the Machine.

Again Standing on the little Blue Plastic Stool ...Boaby pulled on the Handle.

The top half of the Lager can Crushed without a Problem ...However the Can Crusher Handle was now at 90% to the Wall. Boaby found that He couldn't get enough Pressure on the Handle by Pulling, So raising himself on to his Tiptoes he Tried to Push the Hanle down.

For all of 5 minutes Boaby Heaved and Grunted ...First pulling the Handle then Trying to Push it ..But the Can refused to Crush any Further.

ACH BLUDDY THING ...Said a scunnered Boaby ...Ma Arms are killin me.

Suddenly Boaby had a brainwave ... If I jump up and use my Body weight on the Handle ...That might do the Job.

Boaby Jumped off the Little Stool ..His Midriff landing across the Can Crusher Handle, Legs dangling in the Air ...Boaby then started bouncing up and Down

Ooof! ...Ooof! ...Ooof!

CRACK .....CRASH

Boabys Weight and Bouncing was to much for the Old Tenement Walls to Bare ... Suddenly a large portion of the Plaster and Brickwork gave way ...Boaby ...Plunged to the Floor amid a cloud of Dust.

Several Minutes had passed before Boaby had regained his senses.

Boaby found he was lying on the Kitchen floor ..Face down ..His arms trapped underneath him ...With the Can Crusher and Handle holding his Midriff like a Vice ..and a large slab of Plaster and Bricks lay on his Back.

Poor Boaby ...No matter how much he Wriggled and Squirmed he was Trapped.

Wee Boaby had been on the Kitchen floor for around 15 minutes when there was a Sudden Knock at the Door.

HELP!....HELP! ...KIN YEA HEAR ME ...Screamed Boaby

aye! ...Came the Muted reply

WHO IS IT...Asked Boaby

WeatherShield Windows and Doors...came the reply

We are doing a special offer in this Area ..Buy Two windae and we'll give yea a FREE Door ...It a Once in a Lifetime Offer ...Never tae be Repeated ...So tae take advantage of this Incredible Freebie ye'll need do nothing but Place yer order today. The Windaes and Doors Will last a life time ...they huv Plastic Lintels and Frames ...

AYE! ...AYE! ..RIGHT... Fur Christ sake ...Shouted Boaby

Yea Want tae Order them ? ...Dae Yea? ..Asked the Saleman

NAW! ...Yea kin Shove them ...But I'm trapped in the Kitchen, The Walls fell on Me ...I need a Hand.

Yer Trapped? ... Are yea sure yer no wanting to order my Windaes?

NAW ...STUFF EM ...Gies a Hand ...PAL

Tell yea whit ... You think it over ...I'll come back in a wee while ...Maybe ye'll change yer mind ...After all if yer trapped ..Yer no going anywhere. I'll speak tae yea later.

COME BACK HERE YEA BAZ-TURD YEA ... I'll BLUDDY GET YEA FUR THIS

Boaby heard the Salemans footsteps disappearing into the Distance.

In Sheer Temper ..Boaby gave his Body am almighty Heave off the Floor ...Several Bricks moved ...And suddenly Boaby had one arm free.

Boaby was in a better position now to access his Predicament ...The Handle of the Machine and somehow become entwined with his Braces.

AH!... Thought Boaby ...If I Undo my Trousers I might be able to squirm out from underneath the Rubble.

Boaby undid his Trousers and Braces ..And after a massive effort managed to slide himself from Under the Rubble.

Boaby looked a sorry state ..Standing in the Dust filled Kitchen ..Wearing only his Cloth Bunnet and Underpants.

He was staring at the Damage to his Kitchen Wall .. A large area of Brickwork had dislodged and he could see the Cavity between the Walls.

Boabys Interest was taken by the (Almost) Undamaged back wall ...Only one brick was Missing ...But There appeared to be a small panel of wood covering the Hole and the wood was moving slightly from side to Side.

(Meanwhile Next door)

Mrs McKay an Elderly Widow of many years was busy doing her household chores.

Oh! Yes ..She had heard the Noise coming from the People in the adjoining house to hers ...After all these old houses had very thin walls ... She knew Boaby & Ella to see them .But she kept herself very mush to herself ...Anyway there was always strange noises coming from THAT House.

Mrs McKay Hummed quietly to herself as she Polished her Pride and Joy ...A Tapestry of the Main Tourist sites in Glasgow. This tapestry had taken her years to do and hung in a heavy wooden frame in the Centre of her livingroom Wall.

(The one that was back to back with Boabys Kitchen)

Boaby stood transfixed by this shimmering piece of wood ...He just couldn't understand why it was there or why it was moving.

Unable to bear the Suspense .. Boaby picked up his Clawhammer and holding it by the head ...Used the Shaft to reach out and Prodded the Piece of Wood.

(Back Next Door)

Mrs McKay had just finished polishing her Tapestry ...And had stood bad to admire her handiwork ...When Suddenly ...

The Tapestry FLEW off the Wall ...The Frame and Glass Breaking as it landed in the Fireplace.

A Horrified Mrs McKay looked up and her tapestry had been replaced with Two Glowing Eyes.

ARRRRGGGG
CLUMP

Mrs McKay Screamed then flopped down on her floor in a Dead Faint.

WHIT.. wiz that scream? ..Asked Boaby ...Peering through the Hole in the Wall ...Boaby couldn't see anything ...But had a Bad feeling about the Whole affair.

Boaby picked up one of the Loose Bricks and jammed it into the Hole in the Wall ...There he thought ...As good as new.

The Mangled Can Crusher was fit for the bin ..And thats exactly where Boaby put it ...He started, Frantically cleaning up the Kitchen ...It was hot Sweaty work ...Suddenly there was a knock at the Door.

Boaby stopped what he was Doing ....Bet that's that Bluddy salemen ..Thought Boaby ...I'll sort that Baz-turd oot.

Boaby picked up his Clawhammer and raising it over his head "Flung open the Door"

TAK THIS YEA BLU... ....

CLUNK

Boaby had bearly time to recognise the blue Serge Uniform of the Strathclyde Polis before Nightstick hit him on the side of the Head and he fell to the floor.

CHRIST SHUGGIE ...Said the first Policemen ...Did yea see the Wee Bugger come at me wie thon Bluddy Hammer.

Aye Derek ...No jist a Perv and peeping Tom ..But a Bluddy Dangerous one tae..Replied his Mate ..Sticking the Boot inta Boaby a couple of Times.

Wid yea look at the State oh him ...Sick Wee Baz-Turd ...He's stripped ready fur action ...Look at that ...He's near demolished the Kitchen Wall ...Christ that wumman next door hiz hud a Lucky escape.

Boaby had started to regain his senses and was vaguely aware of the Policemans Knee in his back and The Handcuffs being applied to his Wrists.

HERE ...Said a still dazed Boaby ...Are youse arrestin me ..Whit Fur?

Shut yer bluddy Gub ...Pal ...You have the Right tae remain Silent, But anything you DO say might be taken doon, Altered, Adjusted and used in a Court of Law... Tae ensure Wee Pervs like Yer sel are well and truely Shafted ...OK.

Aye! ...Thats fine by Me ...Said a confused Boaby

[Meanwhile]

Ella had left the Bingo and was walking up the Street with Two of her Friends.

I Suppose Yer Men I'll be in the Pup ..Ella

NAW! ...I'm sick Oh him gettin hizsel intae trouble ..I gave him some joabs tae dae in the Hoose ...Even HE cannae get intae Bother in his ain Kitchen.

Well That looks awffie like his Wee arse thats jist getting pit intae thon big Polis Caur.

OH Jeezus Christ!.... Whits the Wee Midden done Noo