| Shitty Ghost |
A very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. After making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up
the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently, trying to get the unknown things off. He ended up with
the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and
asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the
c**p out of a ghost."
| Kids Amaze Me |
In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, AL metropolitan area.
Q: Name the four seasons.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Q:How is dew formed?
Q: What is a planet?
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
Q: What are steroids?
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
Q: What is the Fibula?
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
Q: What is a seizure?
Q:What is a terminal illness?
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
Q: What is a turbine?
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
A: Premature death.
A: Keep it in the cow.
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
A: A small lie.
A: Nearby.
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
A: A Roman emperor.
A: When you are sick at the airport.
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
A: It lays eggs.
| Some Easy Questions |
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
Q.What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
Q: Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
A. So men can be open minded.
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
A. "Is it in?"
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
A.A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
A. One of his fingers is clean.
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
A. Nobody eats parsley.
A. Kermits Finger
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
| Assertive Husband |
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show
her you're the boss." The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the
Doctor's advice... He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's
face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I
want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out
with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And
another thing... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my
pants, and then tie my tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly.... "The undertaker."
| The Blarney Stone |
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus
seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be
able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have
some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the
stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it..."
| Peeing Trouble |
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too
risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out!" replies the
daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16
years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. "Mum, I was having a pee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what
happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having
a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a wank and I shot the dog."
| If Only |
| Shome body shtole it |
A man stumbled out of a bar. A cop saw him, and asked "Can I help
you?" "Yessh!" Said the drunk, "Sshomebody ssshtole my car!" The cop asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss at the end of thisssh key!" the man slurred. The officer looked down and that the man's penis was hanging out
of his fly. He asked, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?" The drunk looked down and blurted out, "Son of a bitch! They got
my girlfriend too!"
| Tickle Me |
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. Their personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to
report to work promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow,
and the whole assembly line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor
to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the red
material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both
watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and
says, "I'm sorry; I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
| Cheating Wife |
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to
follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a
whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house
gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who
is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and
tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS
AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR
YOURS!!"
