| Beautiful Women |
Age3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister. (Mum I can't go to school looking like this.)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly but says, At least I'm clean, and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and says I am and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: She doesn't bother to look. Just put on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
| The Cracked Pot |
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end
of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had
a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always
delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk
from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived
only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer
delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's
house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But
the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of which it
was made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it
spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of
myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why" asked the bearer? "What are you ashamed of?" " I have been able, for these past two
years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side
causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you
don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his
compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want
you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice
of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the
path, and this cheered it some, but at the end of the trail, it
still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so
again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were
flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's
side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I
took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the
path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've
watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you
being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to
grace his house."
EACH OF US HAS OUR OWN UNIQUE FLAWS. WE'RE ALL CRACKED POTS, BUT IT'S THE CRACKS AND FLAWS WE EACH HAVE THAT MAKE OUR LIVES TOGETHER SO VERY INTERESTING AND REWARDING. YOU'VE JUST GOT TO TAKE EACH PERSON FOR WHAT THEY ARE, AND LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN THEM. THERE IS A LOT OF GOOD OUT THERE. THERE IS A LOT OF GOOD IN YOU! BLESSED ARE THE FLEXIBLE, FOR THEY SHALL NOT BE BENT OUT OF SHAPE.
REMEMBER TO APPRECIATE ALL THE DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN YOU LIFE! OR AS I LIKE TO THINK OF IT IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THE CRACKPOTS IN MY LIFE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY BORING AND LIFE CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH LESS INTERESTING____.
| Crocodile Cock |
A bloke walks into a crowded bar with a crocodile under his arm. The barman says "You can't bring that in here, it's a wild animal."
"No it's not, it's perfectly tame, watch this"..& places the croc on the table, forces it's jaws wide apart, then flops his dick out and places it delicately on the lower teeth of the croc.
He then whips a baseball bat from nowhere and larries the croc over the head with it.
The croc goes mad, takes a sharp intake of breath and snaps it's jaws down to within a gnats bollock of it's owners dick. At this stage you could hear a gnat fart in the crowded bar. Then casually the bloke puts his dick away, into his trousers.
"Anyone else fancy having a dabble at that for 500 quid." He asks.
Up leaps a little old lady at the back of the bar. "I'll do it, I'll do it.. she shouts. "So long as you don't hit me as hard as you hit that f**king crocodile."
One day a little boy comes bounding in from the back garden, and runs straight to his mother.
Son: Mum, are birds made of metal.? Mum: Of course not, why do you ask such a silly thing.? Son: It's just dad's outside, and he said he wants to screw the a*se off the bird next door!
| Mrs Flanagan |
One day Mrs Flanagan feels sickly, and goes to the doctor, to be checked out. The doctor looks her over and says, "well now Mrs Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs Flanagan went home and said to her husband "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr Flanagan replied, " I don't know, but if you go to see Mrs O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her cloths torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a birds nest.
A shocked Mr Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is, and she said piss in a bottle, woman. So I said go shit in yer hat!, and the fight was on."
| The FROG |
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat, and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and his dad is Mick Jagger, and that's it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money, and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, sure I have this, and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with her manager, and disappears into the back office.
She find the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there, who claims to know you, and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
| Bear in a Bar |
A bear walks into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer. The bartender approached and said We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana. The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.
The bartender again told him. We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings Montana. The bears well pissed of by now, and demands service.
Again the bartender, very politely explains, We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana.
The bear well and truly pissed off this time, and said, If you don't serve me, I'm going to eat the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender once again stated, That we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana.
The bear went to the end of the bar and, as promised, ate the lady at the bar. He came back to his seat and demanded a beer.
The bartender said, Sorry we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana, that are on drugs.
The bear reach over and grabbed the bartender, and roared, I'm not on drugs.
The bartender said, Yes you are. That was the BAR BITCH YOU ATE.
| The Three Turtles |
Three Turtles, Joe, Steve and Raymond, decided to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the Turtles take 10 days to get there. By the time they get there, everybody's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the beers and says, alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.
I didn't bring the opener, Steve says, I thought you packed it, Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the Turtles are stuck 10 miles from home, with no opener.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond, to go back and get the opener, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about 2 hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtle grave that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. 20 days pass but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
After 3 more days without Raymond, Steve starts getting restless. I NEED FOOD he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. NO Joe retorts. We promised.
5 more days and still no sign of Raymond. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the café down the road, so the two Turtles weakly lift the lid. Get a sandwich, open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, I knew it!_. I'm not f*****g going, a promise is a promise.
Redneck Family Tree
REDNECK FAMILY TREE:
Dear God
Many many years ago When I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father, of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to my dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widows grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she's my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simple drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.
