| A Woman's Random Thoughts |
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free .....you either married it or gave birth to it.
Reason to smile: every 7 minutes, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town: when you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while! and it shrinks two sizes.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen fatty...Do it and die."
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are you kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
| RedNeck Wedding |
Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you."
"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"
"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??"
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"
With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.
"Paw! Paw! Wake up!.... Yore not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the heck you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the heck ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere?"
"Paw,... I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the heck outta there as fast as I could!"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"
| Sheep Lier |
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
| A Salesman |
A young guy from Virginia moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Virginia."
The boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says,"One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
| Mommy & "Uncle" Frank |
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
.. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God!.... What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool?..... Is this 854-7039?"
| My New Pet |
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to McGuire's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McGuire's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I f*cking heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
| Men's Views on Marriage |
The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, What's on the TV?
I said, Dust!
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said I haven't eaten anything in four days. She looked at him and said, God, I wish I had your willpower,
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother- in-laws.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:
Wife wanted.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: You can have mine.The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don't know son, I'm still paying.
The bumper sticker read:
I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
| A Beer, A Female Beer |
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists had fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each.
They observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologise when wrong.
