I awoke one morning, it was winter time & I always wore my socks to bed in the winter time due to the dynamic & dangerous risk of frostbite in the northeast of Scotland.

Anyway this particular morning I awoke & there was this dull, numb freezing sensation passing through my entire body, I discovered it was originating from my feet!!! "Oh my God" I yelled franticly as the frozen segments of toe cheese cut shards into either side of my toes!. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. What the heck had happened to my socks? I'd ALWAYS been very careful to keep my socks on in bed during the winter time.

I'd even gone to such lengths as to tying nylon fishing line around my legs over the socks in case the socks somehow got a mad idea like working their own way off!

I struggled to stand ! "OO! EE! AA! OO! ARGH!" I groaned as the intense pain shot lightning bolts of pain through my body, more painful than any David Hasselhoff song I'd ever heard!! (Just thinking about D Hasselhoff's music is nearly reducing me to tears!!) Anyway on with the adventure- I pulled on my kilt with great difficulty I might add! it had frozen overnight also & the material which is usually a wee bit itchy was now like frozen bloody glass wool !! scraping back & fore across my bare arse peelng skin as it dragged across my bum cheeks.

I tried sitting down again (bad idea)) I soon leapt back up in the air screaming out a rather loud "YEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWW)" (you can just picture it can't you??)) It was like I had just plonked my bum on a great blooming porcupine! but that wasn't going to stop me! oh no! & I was soon back on my quest for the missing socks.

I eventually worked my way out of the bedroom & into the hallway at the top of the 40ft spiralling staircase. I tripped on something but somehow managed to steady myself & as I glanced round to see what the treacherous object was I stood agahst as something else a wee bit more important caught my eye!!!

A herd of about 500 savage wild haggises stormed out of my parents bedroom & were bounding towards me at a helluva pace! I knew they weren't going to stop for old frosty feet me & I knew I couldn't outrun them, not in the state I was in.

In a flash of pure genius I hopped onto the stairway handrail & slid to safety. Not only was I evading being trampled by the ferocious haggises but I was also having fun in the process, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEE" I shouted joyfully & I glided down the handrail, albeit it was still a bit sore on my tender & torn buttocks!!.

A worse fate awaited me at the bottom of the handrail !! I'd completely forgot about the big solid brass ball my father had fitted at the end of the rail to prevent people getting any ideas about sliding down the railing. Suddenly my joyfull shouts of "WHEEEE" became a terrifying girly scream of "AAAYYYYIIIIIIIEEEEAAAAA"  & the speed I was descending at I didn't stand a Mars bars chance in hell of stopping myself & the G-Force I'd gathered made it impossible for me to jump off, so i just closed my eyes & biting down hard on all my fingers I awaited the fateful end of me! then it  happened.

CLLLLLUUUMMMMMP' I was in luck, thankfully my father was a lousy handyman so when I struck the brass ball it was so ill fitted that it flew all the way across the room & 'WHAAAP' it stotted square bang off my mothers forehead!!!!!! It was safe to assume the old dear wasn't at best too pleased. I landed safely & softly on the last of the charging haggises & escaped a scolding as I had just provided the family with at least two months worth of haggis!!

My father wasn't so lucky though! my mother blamed his lousy handywork for getting hit by the brass ball & so he got a good crack in the jaw & I mean GOOD. My mum could smack seven pans of poop out of the hardest guys in toon!

After the dust had settled & my dad had crawled to the freezer to get a bag of frozen peas to try & get the swellin down, my mum turned to me & said "Hey you! ye wee nyaff! whit the hell wis aw that aboot eh ?" I explained about the socks & my sore feet & the kilt & the haggises & she gave a wee wry smile out of the corner of her mouth & from behind her back she produced my missing socks!!!!!!

I gasped "Hey my Socks !!" & carried on rather foolishly with the following tirade of abuse - " ye big daft eejit! ye are! ma feet are bloody frozen & shredded & my bum feels like I've slid sideways on a big bloody razor!" not to mention the life & death situations I had encountered just trying to get down the stairs!"

My mother swiftly stopped the abuse she was recieving in the best & only way she knew how ! she launched me right across the room with a big lefthook & to make matters just that wee bit worse I only happened to land on my bum were she had left her knitting needles protruding out of the side of the armchair!

But to give her, her due she did make me a great bowl of soup & bought me a brand new pair of those thermal socks which are so tight you can never get them off anyway & a big elephant gun incase I get in the way of anymore haggis herds rampaging!!!!!