| The Actor |
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
| 7 Reasons to crawl under a Rock |
1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE: An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem
3. HO, HO, HO: I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! Name >Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet- red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie
6. PRICELESS:A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business- like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." She screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
| Nun and the Vampire |
Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Annunciata were driving through Transylvania when suddenly Dracula appeared out of nowhere and landed on their windshield. The two nuns tried desperately to dislodge him.
First Sr. Mary Margaret, who was driving, veered wildly from side to side - but Dracula held on tight.
Then the two nuns turned on the windshield wipers - but Dracula merely clung to the wipers and could not be dislodged.
Finally, Sr. Annunciata exclaimed, "I've got it! - show him your cross, Sister."
"Great idea!" Sr. Mary Margaret replied. She rolled down her window, stuck her head out, and yelled, "Get off our car, you @#&#* vampire!"
| Murphy's Laws of Computing |
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human... To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
*A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
| The Cabin |
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot- bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
| The Bill |
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill of $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have,"explains the Manager.
He goes on to explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But Sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
| The Three Bears |
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars, as big bears often do.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first. It was Momma Bear who woke up everybody else in the house. It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Momma Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and the @#**&%@ wood for the fire. It was Momma Bear who set the table. It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time.... I haven't made the @#&**%#@ porridge yet!!"
| Death Row |
There was a German, an Italian, and a Redneck on Death Row.
The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. was to be shot
2. was to be hung
3. was to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap, he was dead.
Then the Redneck said, "Just give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and he fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid.... I'm wearing a condom.
| The Workmen |
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
| The Scotsman |
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "I>Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you..
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here." say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the hell is the light on in the kitchen?"
| Sven & Ole |
Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duloot. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel..
"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von gud reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride."
Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me." "Vell," says Sven. "You giff me yust von gud reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster."
P ALIGN="JUSTIFY">Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Uffda!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line."
"Vell," says Sven, "you giff me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I'm not going to leave it that way!!"
| Two Lawyers |
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." The lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should.... you know... screw her?"
The other lawyer asked, "Out of what?"
| Gardens |
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.
GOD:They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE:"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid film about..
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
| The Pharmacist |
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step.
The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief)."
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"
"The girls never showed up!"