| Dearly Departed |
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"I opened a can of peas instead."
| Randy Old Sod |
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
| Father O'Malley |
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
| D I V O R C E |
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer`s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."
The lawyer said that he could but speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I`m always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store, and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read. It said, "Polish Remover."
| The Attorney |
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of thisso-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line.
| Little Nancy |
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky- faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,isn t it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he s inside your cat."
| Dumb or Dumber |
A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.
The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.
The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blows a little harder, and still nothing happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO!? Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?"