| Angus and his lassie... |
A young Scottish lad, Angus, and his lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at Angus and said, "A penny for your thoughts."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
| COURT DOCKET - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY |
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this..
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
But your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.
| The Bartender |
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of renumeration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The Bartender says "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
| A Short selection :) |
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have |the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife stated that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill,what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"
"I ain't surprised," replied Gramps, "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
| Miracle of Toilet Paper |
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband un-characteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies.
The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says.......................
"worked for your arse, didnt it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid Stupid Man...!!
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Only in Glasgow!
This story is allegedly true.
The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness,(a ned)is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute,(AD)AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night. Why did you go there?"
Witness "Tae get a tap."
AD "Is your friend a plumber?"
Witness "Naw."
AD "Are you a plumber?"
Witness "Naw"
The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.
Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.
AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"
Witness "Naw."
AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"
Witness "Naw."
In exasperation the AD says,
" You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?"
Witness "A Rangers tap."
Income Tax form
April 15 was fast approaching and a young lady of the evening went to her tax preparer to file her income tax.
Well when the conservative young man started to fill out the forms, he asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a prostitute," the girl said unabashedly.
The fellows face turned red and he stammered, "Oh, we can't say that on the form. Is there something else you can call yourself."
The young woman thought for a moment and said, "You can put down that I'm a hooker."
The young man's face got redder and he shook his head. "No, we can't say that either."
The young woman thought for a moment and finally said, "All right, just put down that I'm a chicken farmer."
The young man looked at her for a moment, an expression of perplexity spreading across his face. "A chicken farmer? Why a chicken farmer?"
The young woman looked at him and replied, "Because I must have raised about 300 cocks last year."
The Disease
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox
Carols Corkers by Carol McGinn
