| The Buzzin Bee |
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."
The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!"
So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
| Polite to the End |
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
| The Blonde |
The tall, very attractive blonde seated in the second class area of the JFK to Montreal aircraft noticed that some seats in the forward First Class area were empty.
She picked up her hand luggage and seated herself in the First Class area. The stewardess approached and said."Excuse me, but you are sitting in a First Class area and you only have a second class ticket. You will have to go back and sit in the second class area"
"I am tall, beautiful and blonde, and I am going to Montreal. I am not moving from this seat."
The stewardess after several attempts to persuade the woman to move and obtaining the same response,sought the assistance of the co-pilot.
The co-pilot approached the blonde. "Excuse me miss. I am the co- pilot. You are sitting in a First Class area and you only have a second class ticket. You will have to go back and sit in the second class area."
"I am tall, beautiful and blonde, and I am going to Montreal. I am not moving from this seat." said the blond.
Following several unsuccessful attempts. The co-pilot reported back to the Captain.
"OK. Don't panic. I have been married to a blonde for ten years. I'll speak to this woman."
"Hello Miss. I am the Captain. You are sitting in a First Class area and you only have a second class ticket. You will have to go back and sit in the second class area."
"I am tall, beautiful and blonde, and I am going to Montreal. I am not moving from this seat." said the blonde.
Then leaning forward the Captain whispered into her ear.
The blonde stood up, and, taking her belongings with her, returned to her original seat in the second class area.
Returning to the cockpit. The co-pilot and stewardess were completely aghast. "How did you do it. What did you say to her?" They asked.
"Oh, I just told her the First Class area wasn't going to Montreal."
| Web Love |
On their first night together, a couple who had met on the web were physically together for the first time.
The woman had gone into the bathroom to shower and prepare for their first night together and exited perfumed and wearing a beautiful robe.
Her web lover says, "Sweetheart, we are lovers, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.&nspb;"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out in a robe and opens it and she exclaims, "OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
| Irish Sports |
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Feck dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too feckin' dangerous for me."
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting needer."
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Feck me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you feckin hengliding."
| The Popes Mistake |
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
| The Cucumber, pickle, penis. |
One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation.
The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar."
The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad."
The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness! ! !"
| Perfect Woman |
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is most important that these three women never meet.
| God Man & Satan |
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad.
And Satan brought forth ice cream.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between BBC1 and ITV.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created Medical Insurance
| Brewster Rooster |
Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.
My uncle's favorite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but also the PulletSurprise.
Wheres my Willie?
Once upon a time deep in the jungle lived a very rare creature. It had two eyes, four legs, a tail, weighed about three stone and had a very odd willy. The willy in question was six inches long and had four little pointy bits sticking out of it.
One morning, as it awoke from a nights sleep, it looked at where it's willy should be but could only see a small bloody patch. It assumed that during its sleep, another animal had come along and bitten it off.
So he went into the jungle to find out who did it. The first animal he came to was a lion and he said "Excuse me Mr Lion, I'm a very rare creature and I used to have an odd shaped willy, did you eat it?"
The lion let out a loud roar, said "No, it wasn't me, bugger off!" So the creature went further into the jungle. Eventually he came across a tiger and asked exactly the same question.
"No, it wasn't me," said the tiger, "scram!"
So deeper into the jungle went the creature. Then he met a Jaguar who was licking his lips. He asked the jaguar the same question. When the jaguar said yes, he had bitten it off and eaten it, the creature went into a rage.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? I used to be a rare creature with an odd pointy willy and you've eaten it, why?"
To which the jaguar said "Well, I am a four point tool-eater Jaguar."
Dead Blonde
Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation,
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first,"says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but didn't see any one. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Irish Pit Crew
Modena, Italy: The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of the Irish Government's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Hollyhill area of Cork.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Ireland were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team. However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews first practice session; not only were "da boyz from the Hill" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen pint bottles of Bulmers.
