We`ve ALL been infants, so we`ve all at one stage of our infancy had the odd 30-40 nursery rhymes read to us by our parents, older sister/brother aunts/uncles etc etc, but as you get older you tend to forget about them, as though they never existed, and at the time when you might remember very vaguely hearing them you were too small to say “Hold it” enough of that crap, you just had to lay there and gurgle away sounding contented and in some way enjoy them.
But lets analyze some of them now and see them for what they really are, cruel, vindictive and basically a load of old crap.
Let`s take names first, WHO in there right mind would call their son “Georgy Porgy”, now come on, that goes without saying that this family is very unstable at the best of times, so, this poor lad named Georgy Porgy was a bit of a social outcast because he kissed the girls and made them cry, and to add insult to injury, when the girls came out to play and maybe wanted a bit more of a taste of kissing, this little sod Georgy Porgy, huh, he goes and runs away, chicken, go on, bugger back to your mum.
Slightly digressing from the task at hand there has been an updated modern version of the above nursery rhyme it goes like this….
Georgy Porgy pudding & pie he kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out to play, he kissed them to, hmmm, he`s funny that way…hey ho, what a gay day…
Anyway, I`m back on track, to where you might ask? well, a nice warm safe padded cell could be a very good possibility but for now before those nice men in lovely white coats come to give me my medication I`ll continue.
Next for names we have …..oh bloody no, I don`t believe it as Victor Meldrew would say, we have “Jack Horner”, now, if that name isn`t very suggestive then I`m a Judge`s or Roman Catholic Priest`s best friend…..think about it…
So, this little fella called (no, please don`t laugh, it`s serious, oh ok, if you must…..whoooooooo ha ha ha ha he he he ho ho ), hmmm, so, little Jack Horner was made to sit in a corner and eat some pie, cruel bloody parents or whoever he lived with, and as though this poor lad wasn`t ridiculed enough, he put his thumb into the pie, and he pulled out a plum and he thought that he was a good boy, poor little soul, right, where`s that bloody social worker, there`s never one around, well, only some poor child had been badly treated, then they all come out of the bloody woodwork, like a bloody swarm of locusts.
Then there was this part called “Humpty Dumpty” he was a fat bugger, he should have gone on a diet, anyway, most of us knows that if you sit, stand or climb on high walls you`ve got a good bloody chance of falling off, but oh now, that wasn`t the half of it, all the bloody kings horses and all the kings men tried but they couldn`t put Humpty back together again, so, think about it, the poor lad who hears this nursery rhyme his led to believe in his/her early years that not only can you fall off a wall and break yourself, but a load of kings men and horse might try to put you back together again, crap, phone for the paramedics, A&E here we bloody well come….ne nor ne nor ne nor ne nor(that`s supposed to be the sound of an old Ambulance, hmm, yes, I`ll see about getting my medication upted quite a bit.
Next we have “The Grand old Duke of York”, now this guy was a real pain in the arse, you see not only did he have ten thousand men, which for some unknown reason he made them march to the top of some bloody hill, and, ohhh, that`s not the half of it, when they were up they were up, and when they were down they were down, and when they were only half-way up they were neither up nor down, well, clever or not, now do you have to be Einstein to work that out, no I don`t think so.
Then we hear about littleMiss Muffet who sat on a tuffet, ok, hands up, what`s a bloody tuffet? I`ve looked in the Oxford dictionary and there`s no bloody reference to the word “Tuffet”, anyway, she supposedly sat on a tuffet eating her “Curds & whey” which basically is sourded milk and it`s liquid residue, yuk, that is bloody gross.
Anyway, there she was, sitting on her tuffet (her what) her tuffet, oh, yes, sorry, and eating her Curds & Whey, when apparently along came this spider and sat down beside her, “WRONG” spiders don`t sit, they skuffle, I know that because I see them skuffling behind me when ever I run away from the big buggers, anyway, so she eating her curds and whey, this spider comes along and sits down beside her and of course, frightens her away, fair enough, that`s sensible enough to understand, personally I would have S*&t myself but that`s me, I`ve a 100% coward when it comes to spiders.
Of course, the newer version of this nursery Rhyme goes something like this…
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her Curds & Whey, when along came a spider who sat down beside and she beat the bugger to death with her spoon, hah hah, sounds great to me.
Next we have an absolute classic, about a young girl called Mary, and it goes like this…Mary Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow, (she replies) With cockelshells & pretty maids all in a row………RUBBISH, utter rubbish, my garden grows with loads of bloody grass, weeds flowers with the odd sprinkling of dog crap, just the job when is still wet to pick up with a shovel of a hot summer day…..poooooo.
Then there`s the other Classic, Mary had a little lamb, who`s fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, that lamb was sure to go, now, that is one of the most spot-on nursery rhymes there are, u have a pet, and wherever u go it follows you, good one.
Of course no Dr Jekyll article would be complete without the updated version of that rhyme, which went like this….
Mary had a little Lamb, she also had a bear, I`ve often seen her little lamb, but I`ve never seen her bare….ooopppsss, sorry BEAR (snigger).
Or this version…
Mary had a little lamb she also had a pig, she couldn`t stop it grunting, she took it down the garden path and kicked it`s little C*&t in….. (sorry,,,,as he walks backwards towards his hideaway cupboard with head lowered in shame).
Right, that`s sherlot 4 now folks, it`s time 4 Dr Jekyll to do what Dr Jekyll has to do, what`s that I hear u say, easy,take my medication, the last lot is just wearing off….Steve Hyde is started to show through….ahhhhhggggggg, no, the pain…….Hi folks, it`s Steve here, hey, where am I, what are you lot doing here, oh no, it`s happened again, just when I though the stronger medication was keeping Dr Jekyll under control he shows himself again, oh god, will this nightmare never end……
