| They Said it! |
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield
"As the French say, there are three sexes: men, women and clergymen." Rev. Sydney Smith
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen
"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." Sam Austin
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."George Burns
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry (?)
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." Camille Paglia
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."Unknown
"My kid had sex with your honor student."Bumper Sticker
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL convertible." P. J. ORourke
| Holy Cow - a Miracle |
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
| Marriage Spice |
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I tried that - it didn't work."
| The "Compassionate" Lawyer: |
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?"he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!"the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.They all climbed into the limo, which was no easy task considering how many passengers were now in the car. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my house is almost a foot tall."
| Bagels & Cheese |
A young couple took their four-year-old son to Dr. Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small "member".
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied.
"The rest are for your father."
| KIDS Bluddy Kids |
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Supermancape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
| REAL NEWSPAPER ADS: |
| Good Wreath! |
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties...".The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read,
"We will never forget you".
| I'm Lost |
A fleeing Taliban Arab was plodding through the Afghanistan desert, desperate for water. He suddenly spots something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties layed out on it.
The Arab pleads, "I'm dying of thirst! Can I have some water?
The little Jewish man replies, "I don't have any water. But why don't you buy a nice tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouts, "I don't want a tie, you #%*$#& idiot! I need water!"
"Okay, okay, don't buy a tie," says the little Jewish man, "and just to show you what a good person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill right there, about a mile, is a nice restaurant. They have all the water you need."
The Arab thanks him, staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came back to where the Jewish man was still sitting behind his card table. The man says, "What happened? I told you, about a mile over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
| Blonde Joke |
A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things..........
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting on the other side of me is a professional weight ifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Are you sure you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for just a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nope........ Not if I'm gonna have to explain the thing five times."
| THE EXAMINATION |
Dr. Willis finished examining Matilda and went into the hallway to talk to her husband Bernie.
"I don't want to alarm you," he said to Bernie,"but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."
"Me neither, Doc." replied Bernie. But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."