A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Gin and................................ tonic, please"
The Barkeep says, "Why the big pause?"
The polar bear replies, "I don't know. My Dad had 'em, too."
| TV Bloomers |
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked,
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away.
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
>"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it"
| Light Reading |
20. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno
19. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver
18. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
17. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton
16. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan
15. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates
14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit -A Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
8. Everything Men Know About Women
7. Everything Women Know About Men
6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton
| Fly Airlines |
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. "Your mother can explain it to you."
| The BLONDE Rodeo |
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
| Anagrams |
Word ................................When you rearrange the letters
Dormitory.........................Dirty Room
Desperation..................... A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code...............Here come Dots
Slot Machines.................. Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity ........................ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law.................Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms.................Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness...................Genuine Class
Semolina ..........................Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries.....Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point............... I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two............... Twelve plus one
Contradiction.................. Accord not in it
Astronomer..................... Moon Starer
Princess Diana.................End Is A Car Spin
Evangelist....................... Evil's Agent
| A Mans World |
1. A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview.
2. A guy's orgasms are real. Always.
3. A guy's last name stays put.
4. The garage is all his.
5.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
8. He can wear a white shirt to a water park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell him the truth.
12.He doesn't give a rat's ass if someone notices his new haircut.
13.The world is his urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near his pubic area.
15. He never has to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. Same work......more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. He doesn't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100.
20. If he retains water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them.
22. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
23.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle his feet.
25. Porn movies are designed with him in mind.
26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So, notice anything different?
28. One mood.....all of the time.
| Some quickies |
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
&M&M.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his thing in a knot?
''How come?''
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.