Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz $hittin' masel", "Ah need some jellies".
The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
*The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow
*One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
*Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
*The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
*Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
Items required include: -
Sovvy rings
Baseball caps
Shell suits
Tesco two stripe trainers
White socks
Chunky gold chains
Required foodstuffs include: -
Faggots
Buckfast
Grey Peas
Buckfast
Pork Scratchings
Buckfast
Tripe and Onions
Buckfast
"Pigs Blood Pud"
Buckfast
Fray Bentos Pies
Buckfast
* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four
* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim