Panic gripped the streets of Aberdeen this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue color and a ball of fire appeared above the city.
The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun', and commonly found in Mediterranean countries such as Greece and England, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the city, causing many ordinary Aberdonians to tear off their hats and scarves in mid July, while motorists were able to turn their headlights AND wipers fully off.
Some feared that they would be scalded or blinded by 'The Sun's' intense radiation of heat and light.
Jack McConnell, speaking from a Sun-proof bunker lying deep under Aberdeen's King St. urged people to be calm and return to work as normal, stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before, it happened once in 1947 and we put it down to the war".
Fearing it could lead to a break out of cheerful, happy smiling he said "Don't worry it will never last, it can't. Our natural Siberian climate with its force '9's, ferocious chill factor and horizontal rain will soon put paid to these shenanigans. Aberdeen will soon be freed from this terrifying situation and we can all return to our natural drab, downbeat selves complaining all the time and being suspicious about everything."
No sooner had the apparition occurred, than a large, dark ominous cloud moved in from Ellon, covering the city and efficiently blocking out the horrible, dangerous sun.
The familiar horizontal driving rain made a welcome return and once again the cafe's along the sea front reinstated their usual metal shutters to protect themselves from the pounding they take as the sea crashes down to top of them in summer.
Still, it wasn't as cold, drab or depressing as Peterhead.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you f*ckin' started it!"
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
t's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is s*x all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have s*x now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have s*x?
What's wrong? = I guess s*x is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have s*x with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have s*x with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have s*x with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have s*x with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have s*x with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have s*x with you Within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have s*x with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and so there's no way we can afford it".
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.
I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be f....d if I'm sticking around here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no means of transportation."
