Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks of true friendship!
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.....
Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months. Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus. The symptoms associated with this disease are:
1.) Sore throat.
2.) Slight headache.
3.) Moderate to high temperature.
4.) Nausea or upset stomach.
5.) Uncontrollable urge to roll around in the mud.
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then one time he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but a man is sitting on the well!"
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
is the fear of long words.
Clinophobia
is the fear of beds.
Paedophobia
is a fear of children.
Automatonophobia
is a fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
The Graveyard Shift
In Victorian times, there was an intense fear of being buried alive, so when someone died, a small hole was dug from the casket to the surface, then a string was tied around the dead persons finger which was then attached to a small but loud bell that was hung on the surface of the grave, so then if someone was buried alive, they could ring the bell and whomever was on duty would go and dig them up. Someone was on the clock 24 hours a day - hence the grave yard shift.
Hypnophobia
is a morbid fear of sleep and falling asleep.
Lyssophobia
is a morbid fear of insanity.
Phobatrivaphobia
is a fear of trivia about phobias
Janet Leigh, the actress, has a fear of showers. This is the result of appearing in the film, 'Psycho', in which her character met a violent death in the shower.
Dromophobia
is a fear of crossing the road
Unatractiphobia
is a fear of ugly people.
Arachibutyrophobia
is a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Elizabeth I of England suffered from anthophobia, a fear of roses.
Mondaphobia is the fear that the weekend will be too short and Monday's coming real fast!!!
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the Squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the friggin' putt, didn't you?"
