One bright sunny day, an Aberdonian was riding his horse into town with his dog and his sheep along beside them. They came across a stranger who was traveling in the opposite direction, and began the following conversation:
Stranger: "Hey, that's a cool dog you've got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Aberdonian: "The dog disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Aberdonian: Look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Dog: "Yep"
Stranger: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and Takes me to the loch once a week to play."
Aberdonian: Look of total disbelief.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aberdonian: "My horse disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aberdonian: Extreme look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Horse: "Yep"
Stranger: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Aberdonian: Total look of utter amazement.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Aberdonian: "The sheep's a bloody liar."
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be. I know it's not me, so it's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. Then he rang up a third time and said 'You're now the managing director.' And I swerved again and went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' so I said 'I careered off the road.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat sod!"
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in..
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books".
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Paddy
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there stands a big, bearded Vermonter.
"Names Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Damn, Sam thinks.tough crowd. "Well, I get along well with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties,too."
"Now that's not a problem", says Sam. "Remember, I've been alone for six months.
By the way, what should I wear?
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
If you see a Ned on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle
What do you call a Ned in a suit?
The accused.
Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
What do you call a Ned in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Easterhouse?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
What's the difference between a Ned and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
What do you call a neddy burd in a white trackie?
The Bride.
How can you tell if a neddy burd has an orgasm?
She drops her chips.
What do you say to a ned with a job?
"Big Mac and fries, please".
what's the first question at a Govan pub quiz night ?
What are you looking at?
Two neds walk up to the gates of heaven and ask St Peter if they can come in. "Hmm..." Says Peter, "I don't know... Neds, we've had trouble with you lot before... Tell you what, you wait here and I'll ask the Boss". Peter goes to see God.
"God, there's two neds at the gates who want to come in". "Hmm..." Says God.
"I don't know... We've had a lot of trouble with neds. Tell them to wait, and I'll have a think about it".
"OK" says Peter, and he gets off.
A few minutes later he's back. "God, they've gone". God says "I thought I told you to have them wait".
"No", says Peter, "not the neds - the gates have gone".
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Ned - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big dobber.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive mental guy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big ned replies. "Something about a job."
