Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'My darling Susan,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'
'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
There's an Englishman, Irishman Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
26 said the old man.
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"? Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, saying:
"May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying
"You do God's work. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at his shop.
A policeman came into the shopfor a haircut, and again the barber refused to charge him saying,
"You protect the public. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying,
"You serve the justice system.It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple."
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that Donald, in the middle, went home for lunch."
