Hiya Crypties, Steve Hyde here again, y`know, I was sitting at my computer the other night, just after doing one of my fav things (no Zola, I don`t know the 10 year old lad who`s called John Bates, formerly known as Master Bates), anyway, as I was saying, I was at my computer, and seriously thinking that it was about time I got my preverbal finger out of my preverbial arse & wrote an article, but what could I write about? God I wish Dr Jekyll was here, he`d help me out, he`s a bit of a clever sod in the article writing area sometimes, but alas, he wasn`t here, he was at his fortnightly meeting of the local “I Used To Love Kylie Minogue, But I`m Getting Over It Now” counseling service…shame though.
This particular night when I was sitting at my computer, I remember it well, it was the very same night that my shrink had increased my medication from 6 tablets twice at day to 8 three times a day before meals, and before having sex with a female or myself, and sometimes I see Tangerine trees and Marmalade Skies, and imagining I was at the Seaside I could see Newspaper Taxi`s that appeared on the shore, ready to take you away (hmmm, those tablets are a bloody lot stronger, I just imagined something else strange & horrible, Barbara Windsor (Peggy Mitchell from Eastenders) in a Basque, Stockings & sussy`s, crutchless leather pants & a leather peep-hole bra, holding a whip……yuk, scary, I hate whips.
Anyway, as per usual, I digress from the semi-normality of life & venture in the inner-most dark realms of my own very disturbed mind, where, “ANYTHING” is possible, such as me being normal, tall dark & handsome, but one out of 4 isn`t too bad, or Boy George just announcing that he had stopped being gay, or Michael Jackson announcing that in fact the real Michael Jackson had disappeared up his own anus some years ago with all the cosmetic lifts & tucks he was having done, and in fact it was really “Bubbles” who had taken his identity over.
So, there I was this particular night, sitting at my computer, after a hard days night, sorry, a hard days work, eating my broken glass & banana sandwich, which is very strange really folks, because I used to hate banana`s, but I know a young girl who does, but that`s a totally different story, and one you`ll most probably never hear from me.
Right, enough of this none-sensible crap, on with the matter at hand, my article, so, for the 15th million time, I was sitting at my computer thinking of what to write my next article about, when I hear this little voice (no, my tablets hadn`t quite kicked in yet, well, I don`t think so anyway), I thought this little voice was possibly kids playing football in our flats private car park, then I suddenly realized “You Prat, it’s 9.15 pm, it’s as dark as a black-mans arse out there”, so I soon realized that this little voice wasn’t kids, I listened again when this little voice spoke, and it seemed to be coming right from in front of me, and sounding silly now, but it sounded as though it was coming from my Logitech iTouch internet keyboard.
Now you prat I thought, those tablets must have kicked in by now, so I slapped my face a bit to hopefully bring myself out of this pre-maddened state, then this voice said “What’s the matter Steve, don’t u believe in US”, “US? I said, and who is US? not fairies? yep I do believe in fairies, one of my old school classmates was a fairy, but a different sort of fairy”, “No, we’re not fairies, we’re your computer family,”!
“My computer WHAT?”, I said, “Your computer family”, the voice replied, “Ok, so, who are you”, I asked very cagey, “Well, you might know us only in the past-tense of the items u paid for over the past few months, keyboard, monitor, floppy drive, joystick, BT broadband modem, etc, but really Steve, we are a family”, “Yeah, sure”, I replied, “Ok then, if you’re a computer family, what are your real names?” I asked….
“Do you really want to know then Steve? asked the little voice”, “Yep I do”, “Ok” it replied, “I’m Kevin Board, but you can call me k.board”, and after saying this, two little eyes opened up on the ESC & Pause/Break keys on the keyboard, and a long slender grin appeared on the wrist rest, “Shit I thought, I’m getting madder by the minute”, “So, k.board, who’s the rest of your family” I asked sounding like a madman”.
“Well, there’s Joy.S.Tick, but she prefers to be called j.stick, then there’s our Greek friend Mon.Itor, then there’s Mo.Dem, then a lad that we’ve all know for ages, but he’s got a sexual medical problem, so we simply call him “Floppy”, Joy knows more about that”.
Then there’s, Ugene Sebastian Bartholomew the 3rd, which is a bloody big mouthful, so we’ve shortened to just USB, then there’s our brainy Russian friend of our family who’s called Cecil.Peter.Ustinov, again, we’ve shortened it to just CPU, then there’s a m8 who you hold every day in your left hand (please, no rude remarks Zola or Ferret or Ian U or anyone, I’ve cut down to only 3 times per week now, I was getting a little short-sighted), I asked k.board who this other person was, “Maddison.Ouse, we think he’s Dutch, but like the other two, we’ve shortened it to Mouse for your benefit”.
“Then there’s our Asian friend called “RAM”, but I reckon he’s got medical probs cos` he stays in every day, there’s also David.Vincent.Devere, but for obvious reason’s, Steve we all simply call him DVD, and apart from the “BIG BOSS”, of which we’ve never known his real name, but has told him to call him XP, that’s our computer family………………….
(courtesy of Steven.P.Hyde/aka Dr Jekyll)….have fun……..