Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.
Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"?
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!"
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders! kill their males after mating
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.& a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
God calls Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"Ok", says Adam, "so what's the bad news?"
God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time."
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying.... A prick is the bloke who owns it.
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
Men are like .......
Placemats - they only show up when there's food on the table.
Mascara - they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike Helmets - handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Parking Spaces - the good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Photocopiers - you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Lava lamps - fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bananas - the older they get, the less firm they are.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?
A husband and wife were staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife take the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." Off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way back she trips over the same piece of carpet and again land flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old git could actually get it up, I would have taken off my tights!"
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
