Dennis Delights


Submitted by - Dennis Robb


manhat.gif


A SENIOR MOMENT


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A Carnation?"


flowerorange.gif


"No. No. The other one" the mans says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"


flowerorange.gif


"Naahh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"


rose.gif


"Yes. Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"






Retaliation for All Those Blonde Jokes!


sunbathing.gif


Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.


Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.


Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.


Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or 3--One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.


Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.


Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.


Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.


Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e- mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"





Golden Oldies


comedian.gif


A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


Answer phone message :-
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"


Two fish are in a tank :-
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"





Kids Proverbs


teacher2.gif


A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds -- because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.



And the favorite:


Better late than............................pregnant!!!






A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia,


"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"



afghanistanflag.gif


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty

. . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?






Keep going





Almost there





Answer: A Funeral Home


AmericanFlagL.jpgAmericanFlag.jpg





Actual Questions & Answers about Austraila


surfer.gif


1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking


3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...


4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.


5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.


6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?


7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.


12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?


14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.


16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.


17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Previous