The Marital Bed

Submitted by - Barry Walker



For gawds sake move over and let me get in, It's not very warm and my nighties quite thin. Panting and pushing to get him over the line, I only want half the bed, the part I claim as mine.

I'm just dozing off to sleep when my calves go in a clamp, I jump out very quickly 'cos I've got the ruddy cramp. I can hear my other half snoring well into the land of nod, While I am limping up and down thinking "You're lucky sod".

The cramp is slowly subsiding so I try my luck once again, More pushing, heaving and shoving he really is a pain. I close my eyes and let my mind drift like a boat, When suddenly I'm choking with an elbow in my throat.

After being rudely awakened I settle down once more, Oh my God! It's started again that never ending snore. With my head buried in my pillow and the cover over my head, I've suffered this mighty torture since the first day we were wed.

I give him a dig to make him stop and turn the other way, Oh blow me down! Here we go he's taken the whole duvet. I pull it back with very much force, I have to be quite tough, So he turns over with it and shoves his knees right up my duff.

Finally I settle down in hope that I sleep the whole night through, When suddenly the bedclothes go back, he's got to go to the loo. I rest upon my elbow, the clock's on half past three, "Oh Lord, let me get some rest, please be good to me."

My other half gets back to bed shaking me back to life, I think I deserve a medal for being an understanding wife. I hear the clock chime four o'clock, I guess God never heard, I may as well get out of bed and do yesterdays' crossword.