The Legacy of a Misplaced Bat

I got my rabies shot.  Actually, I got a free five-pack of rabies shots, and I was not even frothing at the mouth.   I discovered that you do not have to froth to claim your very own rabies shots.

Last week, Misplaced Bat stumbled into our house under the cover of night.  Woohoo - that was exciting!   Until I learned that you can catch fatal rabies from a bat bite.

Not that Misplaced Bat had rabies, mind you.  He seemed quite normal, fluttering in sporadic circles by night and sleeping peacefully in a corner by day.

But I have some great news.   A bat does not need to be rabid when it bites for the government brain-trust to label it a threat.

Actually, the closest I came to getting bitten was when Misplaced Bat flew by my ear through an open doorway.  In theory, I could have caught rabies if his wings had been soaking in bat saliva, and if some saliva grabbed hold of my hair, and if I touched my hair and then touched my mouth.   In theory.

Isn't this great?  A rabid bat bite wins you free rabies shots even if it was not rabid and did not even bite you.

Little Lady also won her free rabies shot.  (Do I have connections, or what?)  Our toddler was asleep when I shut the door to keep Misplaced Bat out.

Twenty minutes later, unable to locate the wacky night flyer, my wife opened the door to Little Lady's room.  Much to my embarrassment, Misplaced Bat was still fluttering in circles, keeping pace with the ceiling fan.   I had locked him in!

Did you know that twenty minutes in the same room as a bat is enough to qualify for rabies shots?   Misplaced Bat had been circling the room high above our peacefully sleeping angel.   But on suspicion of having dipped low enough to touch our daughter, she won the rabies shot lottery.

In the whimsical world of government a rabid bat bite is a risk even if the bat was not rabid, did not bite, and did not even touch anybody.

My lucky wife, now seven months pregnant, also won her free rabies shots.   Guess how close she came to the bat?  She saw him curled up sleeping near the ceiling.

Viewing a non-rabid bat not bite or touch anybody is an official risk in government circles.

Consider this analogy:  if a mystery man walks up to you in the street, pulls out a gun and shoots you full of bullet holes, you have the right to sue him.  OK,  your heirs have the right, but why get picky over minor details?

What if Mystery Man's gun is not loaded?   Do you still get to sue him for shooting you?

What if he doesn't even have a gun?  What if he just walks up to you?  Can you sue?

What if he does not even walk up to you?  What if Mystery Man does not even notice you?   Can you still sue him?

According to the Official Government Rabies Manual, the answer is a resounding  "Yes!  And get your free rabies shots, while you're at it. -- especially if you happen to view him not noticing you."

I started wondering if I might catch rabies from the vaccine.   There is such thing as being overprotective.   It's nice to know the government cares about me, but aren't things getting just a wee bit out of hand when a guy like me scores a free rabies shot five-pack without even frothing at the mouth?

I took my rabies shot because I just can't pass up a freebie - and on the off-chance that the government knows best.   Hey, it could happen.

The author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. Read more columns like this in his weekly Happy Guy column or sign up for Happy Class. Visit his website: Finding Happiness and Self-actualization.