Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues, (Barbie), has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.  In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.  I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years.  That bitch has everything.  Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle.  I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.  My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.  Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been hereto under served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.  Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others.

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken