A WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress........

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.  She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes & a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!  Belinda gave me a tour & showed me the machines.

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  she was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring.

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Belinda made me lie on my back & push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!  It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter & moving my mouth back & forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning & when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me it would help me get in shape & enjoy life.

She said some other garbage too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran & hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars in to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being as ever hated any other human being in the history of our world.  Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.  If there was any part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *%#*^!!&*@%* barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  (Which I'm sure you learned in the sadist school you attended & graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off & I landed on a health & nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote & ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can thank God that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or vasectomy!

Enjoy life! This is not a dress rehearsal!!!