| The CRYPT Mag |
"The telly's pure shite the night". Said Wee Boaby throwing down his Daily Record.
"Ach.. it NO that bad". said Ella. "There's Emmerdale and a double helping of Corrie, OH!.. and Casualty's on as well".
"At's whit I said ...PURE SHITE! ..It's all wimmens stuff, Ther's nae Fitba nor Boxin ... Nithing but SHITE".
"I wonder whit the Lads are doing the noo?".
"OH ... Wait a minute ..I get whit yer at Boaby Willianson, But yer no going tae the bluddy pub .. That £300 I won oan the Bingo goes tae a new living room carpet ...No doon yer bluddy throat".
"Any Way". Continued Ella. "I though you were going tae see Dode Mathison aboot something".
"Aye! I wiz" ..said Boaby. "But he live miles away".
"Its a grand night for a walk ...So jist pit oan yer Jacket and get going".
Somewhat in a huff, Boaby donned his jacket and bunnet and started walking towards Dode's. The night was warm and bright and much to Boaby's amazement he started to enjoy the stroll.
Dode stayed on the other side of Glasgow so Boaby had to walk through the City Centre.
Whistling happily to himself Boaby reached the site of the New Statue dedicated to the Late Donald Dewer (first minister of Scotland) in Buchanan Street.
ACH! fur Christ Sake".. Said Boaby.. "Wid yea look at that, Some Baz-turd hiz lumped a friggin great Traffic cone on the heid of the Statue".
"At's no Right! ... He was a great man and a proud Scot ...At's Bluddy disrespectful and oot of order". said Boaby coming over all Nationalistic.
"WELL .. Am no staunin fur that" ..said the Wee Man.
So Boaby started to climb up the Statue.
Now Boaby would be the first to admit that he wasn't the Athletic type, and it took him a good 5 minutes to eventually reach they top. Boaby swung his leg over the left shoulder of the statue and securing himself in a comfortable position started trying to remove the Cone.
"HOI ...GUNGADIN ...Aye you up there".
Boaby looked down to see two police officers standing at the base of the statue ... "Whit?"
"Throw doon that bluddy cone then get yer slimey arse doon here as weel"
..Shouted one of the Officers. "AYE OK ..jist a minute" said Boaby. With a final heave he pulled the cone from the head of Donald Dewer ...Dropped it to the ground and started his descent.
As is always... coming down is much quicker than climbing up, so within a few minutes Boaby felt his foot touch solid ground.
WHAP! ...one of the officers walloped Boaby across the side of the head with the traffic cone, sending Boaby sprawling to the ground.
A hefty kick in the Ribs, by the second officer followed. A dazed Boaby lying on the ground didn't even feel his arms being pulled back and handcuffs attached to his wrists.
The two officer huckled a stunned Boaby to a waiting Pana Car and off to the Police station.
"Look who we goat Sarge".. said one of the officers ...as the walked Boaby into the station.
"Never mind WHO ...But WHIT huv yea goat".. said the sarge looking at Boaby .. "Whit are yea bringing a durty little rat like that intae my nice clean station fur?" ..He asked.
"He's the Phantom Coner! ... Caught him dead to rights up Donald Dewars Statue pittin a cone on his Napper".
"WHIT?" ..screammed the Sarge ... "Yea little Dancer ... We've been after him for years" ...A delighted Sarge leaned over the counter and slapped Boaby across he face ... "Pit the Bugger in the Cells".
The following Morning Wee Boaby was dragged out of his Cell and taken to a small interview room.
"Sit there and feckin behave yersel" ..said the Burly officer ..."Yer Brief will be here in a minute".A still groggy Boaby waited in the room for a couple of minutes, then in walked a tall dark haired men.
"I'm Lionel Falconer and I'm representing you in Court later this morning" ..said the tall man.
Boaby squinted at the Man and asked "Do I no know you face from somewhere?"
A smile came over Falconer's face ... "I'm often asked that, You have probably seem me on the Television. I was quite proflific in the appointment of my good friend Mr Dewer to first ministery".
"Now... what are you charged with?" he said picking up a bunch of papers on the Table.
"WHIT ...Your charged with placing a Traffic Cone on the Head of Mr Dewer's statue ..."
"No! No!" pleaded Boaby ... "They huv it all wrang, I wiz taking the Cone aff hiz heid ... I think Dewer was a great man .. I didnae pit the cone on him!"
"Mm!" said Lionel Falconer .. "they seem to have plenty evidence to say different ... two officers swear they saw you putting the cone on his head".
"OH GOD! ...This is all a big mistake" said boaby. "Whit will happen if I'm found Guilty?"
"Well defacing Public Property is serious stuff and they are clamping down on offenders ...But at the worst you should get a fine ..say about £50."
"Anyway ..We'll do our best for you, See you in Court!"
30 minutes later Wee boaby was escorted into the dock, a police officer at each side of him.
The Judge "The Honerable Anthony Barbreck" was sitting in his position with the desk lid opened.
Boaby leaned slightly over to his left to see what the judge was doing and was slightly dismayed to see him slugging out of a half bottle of Whisky.
One of the officers poked a finger in Boaby's ribs and told him to stay upright.
"But the Judge is bluddy blootered" complained Boaby "How am I supposed tae get a fair trial?"
"Ye'll get pit doon fur bluddy contempt if yea dinnae shut yer bluddy mooth" whispered the Cop.
Suddenly Judge Barbreck sat upright and looked Boaby up and down.
"I kin see evil in this wan" ..said the Judge still staring at Boaby.
"Whits this wee sewer rat been doing?" he asked the prosecutor.
The charge sheet was read out to the court and Judge Barbreck slammed his fist down on his desk.
"THIS ..is a very serious offence ..We cannae huv you Scumbags walkin aroond this fair City Destroying Public Property. Do yea think yea bluddy own it?" He asked pointing at Boaby.
"HOW dae yea Plead?"
"Not Proven my lord" Said boaby
"Whit? ..Yea cannae plead Not Proven! ...Yer either Guilty or Guiltier ...Which is it?"
Lionel Falconer rose to his feet. "My client pleads NOT Guilty to the charges my Lord"
"You've always been a right pain in the Arse Falconer" said the judge "Right... Proscution Begin".
The Proscutor called the two policemen.
Officer O'donnel and Officer Malony Where were you at 20.00 hrs last evening?
Officer Malony replied "We had just made our patrol of the Buchanan Street Area, All was quiet and in good order. So me and Paddy ..er sorry Officer O'Donnel decided to go into one of the adjoining lanes for a quiet fa ...er to check the security on the back of the buildings."
"We returned to Buchanan Street at approximatly 20.10 and saw the accused sitting astride of Donald Dewers Statue putting a cone on his head. We called him down and we arrested him ..Er ..The bruising occured when the accused fell the last few feet and landed on his head".
The Proscuter now turned his attention to Wee Boaby. "Perhaps you would care to tell the court of your actions yesterday evening?"
"Well I was on my way to see my mate Dode tae get a tap aff him"
"Sorry" interupted the Prosceutor "Is the court to take it your friend is a Plumber?"
"A PLUMBER ..Christ no" ..laughed Boaby .."He's allergic tae water is Dode."
"But I thought you said you were going for a Tap?" ...Suddenly the Proscuter noticed the Clerk of the court rubbing his finger and thumb together in the international sign for Money. "AH ..I See you were in fact going to this friend Dode to borrow Money?"
"Nah!" ..said Boaby .. "Dode's as tight as a ducks arse, Widnae part wie his shadow".
"Well if he is not a plumber, and you were not borrowing money, Pray enlighten the Court as to what "Tap" you were going for?
"It's a Ranger Tap" said Wee boaby ... "Dode won it in a raffle in the Piston Broke and he's a Partick supporter so he said I could huv it"
The exasperated Proscutor slumped to his seat in a state of utter confusion .. "No further Question".
The Defence calls the Officers to the dock.
Lionel Falconer approched the two policemen. "Now lads tell me exactly the position my client was in when you returned to the Statue area".
"Sure ..he was sitting one leg astride of Donald Dewers Shoulders".
"And where were his hands positioned".
"They were on the Traffic Cone".
"And where was the traffic Cone".
"On Donald Dewers head".
"I see .. so by the time you arrived back in the area the traffic cone was already in position on the statue". "You didn't actually see my client place the cone on his head".
"Well .. I mean .. What else would he be doing up there apart from putting the cone on the head?"
"But" ..Continued Lional Falconer .. "You DIDN'T See my client putting the cone on ...DID YOU?"
"No ..not actually." Replied the policeman.
"So if I told you that my client was in fact removing the cone, you could not prove or disprove this theory ... Could you?"
"Er ..Weel ... Er .." stammered the policeman.
"Thank you ... My lord, I put it to you and the court that there was no witnesses that saw my client place the cone upon the head of the statue. Therefore there is quite simply no case against him, and he should be released immediately, with no further charges.""WHIT!" ... "You mean let him go" ..screammed the Judge.
"Precisely you Honour! .. The man is innocent of the charges."
The Judge glared at the Proscutor ..." And whit do you huv tae say aboot it?"
"Your Honour, as the defense has proven Mr Williamson was not witnessed actually placing the cone on the head of the statue ... however by his clients own admission he knowingly entered a crime scene and therefore destroyed vital forensic evidence that might have assisted the police force to apprehend the person or persons responsible."
"BY CHRIST ...Yer right." Shouted the Judge. "Thats even more bloody serious than the first charge .. init?
"Well! we can't huv that, in this proud city ... I take a very serious view of little nerds like him destroying vital evidence."
"Mr Williamson ... You have been found Guilty of intentionally entering a crime scene and destroying vital forensic evendence. You shall be fined £300 or face 30 days in prison ... Case dismissed."
The two burly police dragged a protesting Boaby from the dock and into the interview room.
Several minutes passed before Lional Falconer appeared.
"YES!" ... he shouted while punching a fist in the air "I did it, I got you off with it." he smiled.
"Got me aff?" said Boaby.
"I should huv been fined £50 now am fined £300 ...How is that gettin me aff?"
"Typical ...You scum just don't understand the workings of the Law. I got you off with the charges leveled against you. Is it my fault that you admitted to a more serious offence ...You should be grateful."
In a bit of a Huff Lional Falconer picked up his papers and swanned out of the room.
A police offer entered and said. "Get yer stuff, yer free tae go ...Oh! and yer wife's waiting fur yee oot the front."
"AH NO! ..Wailed Boaby ...kin yee no pit me in the cells fur a couple oh weeks, fur my ain protection?"
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