This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.

"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name "Mary-Rose" written oan it," said she.

"Don't be daft,"he explains," two weeks ago when I went to the races. "Mary-Rose" wis the name of one o'the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he says,"Whit the hell wis that fur?"

"Your horse phoned!" she said.

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A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh; she phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilet pepper!"yelled the woman!

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A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play."Wonderful. Whit part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband."

The mother scowls and says,"Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"

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One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said,"I think he said ****** hell! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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This did happen on the number 7 'caur' from Bellahouston, hurtling towards Brigton Cross on a Friday about teatime, all dying to get off and either into the pub or onto another tram or just home.
A small bloke who had a really bad hunchback was standing down on the running step ready to alight when it slowed down, but couldn't be seen properly by the impatient crowd behind.
Some of them were getting really impatient and shouting for him to hurry up and jump.
Turning round to them he fearlessly shouted back..

"This is a hump! Ah've got no a bloomin' parachute!"

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A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby,checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist,"the doctor ordered.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said,"No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said,"Ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"