|The CRYPT Mag|
Submitted by John Ding.
One day, a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabbed her boobs and said, "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignored him.
The next week the two are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabbed her ass and said, "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."
The wife is now wild and is plotting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabbed his willy and said, "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother!"
A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."
One cucumber was telling another "My life is miserable; as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad."
The other cucumber said "Yeah well, my life is worse; as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me."
A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, "My life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups 'til I puke."
A little lad says to his mom "Is it bad to have a willy?" "No", said his mother, "Why?" "'Cause daddy is upstairs trying to pull his off."
Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was. Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?" His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a moment and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mum, what are you doing to Dad?"
Mum replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."
The little girl replies, "Why, when the lady next door is just going to blow him up again.?"
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the fridge see nothing they want and go to bed. Married men go to bed see nothing they want and go to the fridge.
A cowboy is riding on the plains. He comes across an Indian buck naked lying on his back with a huge erection.
Digusted he asked "What in the hell are you doing?"
The Indians looked at the shaddow of his dick and said "It's 1:0pm."
The cowboy rode on. Soon he ran into another Indian. He was lying on his back naked with a huge erection. The cowboy again asked "What in the hell are you doing"?
The Indian looked at the shadow and said "It's now 2:30 pm".
The cowboy rode on. Later he came upon a third Indian. He was lying on his back buck naked masturbating.
The cowboy asked "Jesus Christ! What are you doing?"
The indian replied "I'm winding my watch!"
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his willy in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
Two parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
© RIYAN Productions