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By Denise Parrott!
Dear Diary,Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we have it out! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his "Fast Talkin' Sales Guy" had told me last year; that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
The English Language
Denise Parrott
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?Let's face it, English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find that quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways!
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down, and in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible, and why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this observation, it ends???
Chain Letters
By Denise Parrott
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
--- I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
--- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
--- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
--- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
--- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
--- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
--- I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
--- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
--- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
--- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
--- I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
--- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
--- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
--- I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
--- Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
You know the world is weird if...
By Denise Parrot
...the best rapper is a white guy.
...the best golfer is a black guy,
...the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
...the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
...France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
...Germany doesn't want to go to war, and...
...the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
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