Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the Dep artment of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no longer b e offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.

All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry passpor ts, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry fee which must b e paid three separate times, at three different government offices, after standing in three different lines as per standard INS regulations.

All undocumented birds shall hereforth be deemed "terrorists."

Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be escorte d by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds ("terrorist s") that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired upon with bir d-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled "Terror from above!"

The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters and N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot anything th at appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are required to be vid eotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by people experiencing epi leptic seizures.

Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order to gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with high- powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods' Guantanamo Bay Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers. (Torture ph otos will be posted online by Dick Cheney.)

Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be offered j obs as reporters covering the White House beat.

Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan Spurloc k.

Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal Emergency Management A ssociation (FEMA), which is standing by with five thousand tons of ice th at was never delivered to hurricane Katrina victims and still hasn't comp letely melted.

All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with federal of ficials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act. Citizens caught h arboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses will be deemed "ene my combatants" and subjected to the whims of Tyson Foods foul interrogato rs.

All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their near est INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.

Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S. Department of Agriculture's food pyramid website, which has the same answer for ever yone: "Drink more milk."