I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people who avoided me just didn't like me.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans, and men should put pictures of their missing wives up at the mall!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you're just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and calling it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease: That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I've come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking like Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes to stay that way! It's eating chocolate, staying chunky and explain that you're really a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn't get scratched!
Y'know how when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company to use!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A good doctor!"
Why is it that every time I lose weight it finds me again?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, keep them while they're taking their pictures!
Just once, when someone says "How are you" (without really wanting to know), I'd like to say "My hair is falling out, I can't see where the heck I'm going most of the time, my back hurts and I pass gas every time I sneeze (and feel like sneezing right now)!" I'll bet that'd stop 'em from asking again!
If I have a heart attack or a stroke, forget about rushing me to a hospital - just take me to a bakery. You hear about people dying from heart attacks and strokes in hospitals all the time, but have you EVER heard of anyone dying of a heart attack or a stroke in a bakery?
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