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Car Jokes

Submitted by the Dungeon Master

 

A man in a Jaguar passed a Mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a Mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Mini and its occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a Mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"

By: Ian Brown
~~~~~~


A dilapidated and very ancient old Ford pulled into the local garage. 'Could you let me have half a gallon of petrol?' asked the old fellow at the wheel.
'Why don't you fill her up, now that you're here?' said the attendant.
'Well,' said the old chap, 'she might not run that far.'


~~~~~~


There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her is she sick?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of Interstate 180."



I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Aston Martin doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye make up!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone!

 


If Microsoft Built Cars...
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want a car that crashed twice a day?"

 


If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "CarXP" or "CarVista". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.





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