An American magazine held a
competition, inviting its readers to
submit new scientific theories on ANY
subject. Below is the winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands
on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side
down. Therefore, if a slice of toast
is strapped to a cat's back, buttered
side up, and the animal is then
dropped, the two opposing forces will
cause it to hover, spinning inches
above the ground. If enough
toast-laden felines were used, they
could form the basis of a high-speed
monorail system. .........
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/tc where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
Police warn all male clubbers,
party-goers and unsuspecting public
house regulars to be more alert and
cautious when getting a drink offer
from a girl. There is a drug called beer, that is
essentially in liquid form. The drug
is now being used by female sexual
predators at parties to convince their
male victims to have sex with them.
All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Attacks generally come from overweight ugly birds who render their prey legless in order to satisfy their unsated desires with blokes of a more discerning nature.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory creatures administering them, there are male support groups with venues in every suburb where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected like minded guys. For the nearest venue near you just look up "Pub" in the yellow pages.
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to FiancÈe 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2001.
But imagine my friend's disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and cannot be deleted. They can re-surface months or even years later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.
It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2001 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2001, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
End.