CUDDLES CORNER
BY
CHRIS SKELHORN
Phone Fiend
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching
television when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably
a wrong number and I was bored.
"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end...a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..."
she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said
that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean...who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message
for Ben?"
"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her
temper flaring.
"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were
her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called
him and the she's Very Upset and that I would Like Him to Call Me as
Soon As He Gets Home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like
this..."............" Click "
Two blondes were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and
it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER
side of the house!!"
HOT AND COLD
A Blonde goes to a company party and wins a thermos for the door
prize. She asks her co-worker, "What's a thermos?"
He says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Oh!" The next day at work, she brings it with her.
Her boss, who is also a blonde, says "What's that?"
The Blonde says "It's a thermos."
Her boss asks her, "What's that?"
She says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Her boss asks her, "What do you have in it?"
The blonde says, "Two cups of coffee and a Cornetto."
GOOD MEMORY
There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the American
state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb
blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to
here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde
went home last night and did something probably none of you could do
... I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the
capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.
THE OLD MAN
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman
standing on the doorstep.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone
else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she
charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for
an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night, he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that
there were no discounts... it was still $1,000 a visit. Again, the
old man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour
later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe
it.
Again, he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At
the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has
ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your
sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
THE PLAN
In the beginning there was The Plan.
And then came The Assumptions,
And The Assumptions were without form and The Plan was without
substance,
And darkness was upon the face of The Workers,
And The Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, "This is a crock of
shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail
of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may
abide."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It contains that
which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, "It promotes
growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying, "This new plan
will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very
powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And
the Plan became Policy.
And that my friends, is how Shit Happens.
DAMMED CLOCK
The other night I was invited out for a night with "The Boys".
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, and
at around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
nine times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick and witty solution, even
when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her
12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "Oh fuck," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted."
BUG SPRAY
A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I
guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug
spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a
whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to
a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the
farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,
the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on
him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn,
but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a
bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For
crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
SUN WORSHIPPING
Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost
all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof
of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised
"deck" which received the sun all day long.
She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she
decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would
slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she
heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she
didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her
stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind
you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing
a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated... "Have you been
following me around? And besides, what difference does it make
ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm
on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except
for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
PIG FARMER
There was this pig farmer and he was a bit dumb, and he wanted to get
his pigs breeding... trouble was they were all sows. He calls the
vet and the vet tells him to use artificial insemination. Well he
isn't too sure about this but he doesn't want to appear stupid, so he
figures it out that it means he should shag his pigs to get them
pregnant.
The next day he piles them all up in the back of his truck and takes
them into the bush an roots every one of them. He comes home
exhausted and gets into bed.
The next morning he gets up and rings the vet to see how he can tell
if the pigs are pregnant. The vet says that they will all be rolling
around on their backs. He looks out into the field and no, they're
all standing around eating.
Bugger!
So he packs them all into the back of his truck and takes them into
the bush and shags them all again. He again returns home exhausted
and goes straight to bed. When he awakens, he looks out into his
field and they are all still standing around.
So again, he loads them all into his truck and takes them off and
roots them. The next morning he is absolutely exhausted. He lies
there, and says to his wife..."I'm exhausted, can you look out and
tell me what the pigs are doing?
So she looks out the window and exclaims "My goodness, this is the
strangest thing I've ever seen. The pigs are all in the truck and
there's one in the cab beeping the horn."
OUR PAL
Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli, went
across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident
gusto.
A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't
help noticing Barry's behaviour and finally couldn't resist offering
some advice.
"I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know that
stuff isn't a very healthy diet for a human. In fact, eating it
could kill you."
"Thanks for the advice, Doc," said Barry, wolfing down another
forkful, "but I've been eating it for years now and I feel fine."
The doctor shrugged and walked off. A few months later he noticed
Barry was missing from his bench, and after a while he asked another
park regular what had happened.
"He's dead."
The doctor shook his head, "I told him that dog food would kill him."
"It wasn't the dog food that did it," the fellow reported. "He was
sitting on the kerb licking his bollocks when a truck backed over
him."
BOY MEETS GIRL.... in 2001
Boy meets Girl, Boy gets Girl, Boy deflates Girl.
Boy discovers self. Boy rediscovers self. Boy needs stronger
glasses.
Boy concocts love spell to win Girl's heart. Boy gets love spell
confused with recipe for meatloaf. That same night boy is molested
by cattle.
Boy takes Girl row boating. Boat capsizes. Boy drowns but Girl's
implants keep her afloat until help arrives.
Boy tries phone sex. Boy dies of ear infection.
Girl puts restraining order on boy. Boy puts restraining order on
girl. Girl takes restraining order off boy. Boy dies of brain
haemorrhage.
Boy hunts and pecks on keyboard at work. Boy discovers sex chat
room. Three weeks later Boy types 80 words per minute with one hand.
Boy with Multiple Personality Disorder is pleasuring self when
another personality emerges. Is Boy still pleasuring self or
"getting some?"
WHAT YOUR COMPUTER MEANS
It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm
not moving."
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting
error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept
on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware
problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: ". . . And
I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn
well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got
64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D: ..." It means: "... However,
if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait ..." It means: "...Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist..." It means: "...any more.
Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: ". . . Makes no difference to me, you're still not
getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."
Five things you don't want to hear from Tech. Support:
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter
knife, a a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 minutes.' Press
3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mum! Timmy's hitting me!"
THE ELEPHANT TRUNK
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and
there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental
surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him
they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,
insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The
guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex
again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and
performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead
to "try out his new equipment."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he
starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets
unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls
across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his
pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets
a sly look on her face.
She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my
ass."
The government just couldn't function without them, but sometimes
they do provide some absolutely unbelievable comedy...
This was an actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from The Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Mr. Ryan De Vries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. De Vries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County
It has come to the attention of the Department of environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued
prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department,
therefore, orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January
31,1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water
Management Division
More>>>>>>>
RESPONSE: Dear Mr. Price: Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner
and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended
that you call their skilful use of natural building materials
"debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of
all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is are the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the
beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not
pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English),
be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not
going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with
these dam builders.
If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy
of your dam letter and this response to PETA.
If your dam department seriously finds all dams of this nature
inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in
this State, I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this
dam policy or once again both the Spring Pond Beavers and I will
scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have
a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,
the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection
lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beaver Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be
no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your day office via another government organization - the dam
USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the
Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them
except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You
will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a
living.
"I'm a cop," says the first man.
"All right, shoot his penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a
living.
"I'm a fireman," said the second man.
"All right, burn his penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a
living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a
lollipop salesman!"
Dear Ann Landers,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb
of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is
married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They
are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in
Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a
teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington
remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl"
in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently
been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible
and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own
brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry
working as the Madam.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least
it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing
her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with
her.
So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by
Microsoft?
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE WEBBED OUT
10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"
9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.
8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced
for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.
7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when
you encounter a Web page with no links.
6. You feel driven to consult the on your
wedding day.
5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on
puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that
separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death.
You look for the "Back" button.
4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again
and again and again.
3. Your dog has his own Web page
2. So does your hamster.
... And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on
the underlined passages.
CB RADIO
A redneck truck driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck
driving west, and the CB crackles to life.
"Hey, redneck driver, who's the two biggest gays in America?"
The redneck replies, "I don't know."
The other trucker says "You and your brother."
Well, the redneck gets all pissed off, but the other driver tells
him, "It's just a joke, tell it to the next truck you see."
So the redneck drives for about an hour and finally sees another
truck.
He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, other truck, do you know who the
two biggest gays in the world are?"
The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?"
The redneck replies, "Me and my brother."
