A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, "Are you my daddy?" The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.
The baby says again, "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor says, "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, "Are you my daddy?"
And the father says, "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying... "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"
My son is nearing the time to decide on his life's career.
I told him to become a doctor. It's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill!
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
A TOUGH U.S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had passed away.
At roll call he snapped: "Hey, Smith, your father died!" The Marine fainted on the spot.
A week later the sister of another Marine died, and the sergeant once again called his men together.
"Jones," he yelled out, "your sister died last night!" The Marine burst into tears.
Finally, word got back to the general about the sergeant's insensitivity, and he was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his men suffered a tragedy.
A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Miller had just lost his mother.
Remembering what the general had said, he lined up his troop and ordered: "Everyone whose mother is alive, please take one step forward -
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
"By golly, he's right," said the husband.
"It does look like they're making love down there!"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says - "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!"
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
They're choking my ducks!"
MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine.
So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother.
"Get over here before he craps on you!"
End.