When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after making attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
TheP ALIGN="JUSTIFY">The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "Where're you from, Joe?"Joe responded painfully... "The balcony."
A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
The next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "What?"
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."
This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."
Doctor and nurse are standing next to a patient's bed. The patient is obviously in extreme pain.
The doctor says very sternly, "Nurse, I told you to prick his boil!
A man started a restaurant and his specialty was rabbit stew. Things were going pretty well when the food inspector came by. After testing the stew he said, "I don't want to cause problems, but we do allow horse meat in rabbit stew because rabbits can be a little expensive. But it can only be fifty-fifty. No more." And the inspector left.
A couple of months later the inspector came back to inspect again. After testing the rabbit stew he was very startled. He said to the man, "I told you that you could use horse meat, but you had to keep the meet at fifty-fifty. You have way more horse meat than rabbit"
The man answered, "I did make it fifty-fifty. One rabbit, one horse."
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive and those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try to set a good example but nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream then suddenly there was total quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"