Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm
based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both
applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test
by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your
interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should
get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?" The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question No5,
"I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I
want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least 5 pounds."
< "P ALIGN="JUSTIFY">"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
At the site of the crash, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
discarded bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried
out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in
shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to
survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms, the second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the
pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy
with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides
he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the
head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of
the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn
years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five
seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good
week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare
feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension
you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month
later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've
come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy
I had to share the room with?"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell
it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and
drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her
the word, 'comfortable'?"