Last Wednesday at about 6.15pm our time in Germany a Austrian
scientist finally managed to cross a golden eagle with a horned-
rim tiger frog, and ended up with a creature he has since called
a Golden Horned Erog...
Two nights ago in Las Vegas, Mr Bertie Scrotum, a supposedly 65
year old who is an utterly dedicated Elvis Presley fan for almost
30 years, took part in the World Championships of the over-65's
men-only Elvis look- alike grand-final, after several heats
Bertie was in joint first, all his dedication in winning was on
the final heat where he and his joint- first rival a Mr Ronald (I
used to be a cowboy, so nothings changed) Reagan were the only
two remaining contenders.
The final heat was where both men had to do an Elvis type sexy
walk with or without their Zimmer frames, get to the centre of
stage, jump two feet in the air and land in the full splits, all
went well for Ronald, but sadly Bertie done most of the specified
actions but it all went drastically wrong when he landed in the
splits, his trousers ripped, out popped a little bag containing
his personal stuff, amongst which was some credit cards
registered to him but showing his age to be only 62 years old. He was disqualified with impersonating a pensioner, charged by
the local police for indecent composure, and was asked to return
his badly overdrawn credit cards, and was told quite sharply by
the local police that if he was to ever show such behaviour
again, he was be recommended to appear for 7 weeks on the Des
O'Connor show.
Last week a Mrs Edith shuttlebottom, a well known but unfortunate
35 year old ex-prostitute from Wimbledon who was sadly born with
only two very short stumps as legs, was up in front of her local
magistrates for a third consecutive time for going around her
town with no knickers on, the residing magistrate (Sir Roland
Smythe-Sendemdown) said to "Mrs Shuttlebottom, admittedly, you
were not exposing any of your lower female parts in public, but
your actions did/do cause such a nasty snail-like mess on the
paths, she was charged with defacing public paths, and ordered to
pay £100 towards the cleaning bills.
I Dublin last week a Mr Paddy O'shea who has got a history of
mental illness was charged with blowing up a car, but after
hearing all the evidence, he was acquitted, he suffered 65% burns
to both his lips.
Some weeks ago a Mr Michael Barrymore was charged with polluting
his private swimming pool under a new council by-law, when asked
by his local magistrate why he had committed such a act by such a
celebrity with such a well-known reputation, his reply was "Well
your honour, being under such immense strain these past few weeks
I've taken up smoking cigarettes, but not having any ashtrays -
my swimming pool was the only place I could think to throw my
fags.....the case continues.
On Wednesday the 29th of August I think at about 9.15pm, police
were called to the flats in Charles St Rugby where, what was
thought to be a burglary was either taking place or was about to
take place, but on arrival at the supposed crime scene, local
officers were greeted by a Mr Steven.P.Hyde who is a resident at
flat No 20, Mr Hyde is a Painter & Decorator by trade, Police
were also greeted by a Mr Adrian Mazey who has recently come out
in the open and admitted to being a Cross-Dresser, at the time of
the Police's arrival, Mr Adrian Mazey, or as he should be and
prefers to be called Miss Adrienne Nikki Mazey was wearing a nice
lime green nurse/care assistant's uniform, which is the uniform
he/she has to wear nowadays as a full-time care assistant. Miss Mazey used to be a Painter & Decorator like Mr Hyde (but
nowhere as good...hmmm), but his working past has now since all
been glossed over by his new identity, upon questioning by the
Police why Mr Hyde, Miss Mazey and two or three other local
residents were acting very suspiciously outside these flat in the
company of a ladder which at the time was resting on the
windowsill of one of the 1st floor flat windows, Mr Hyde
explained.... "Well, Miss Adrienne's Mazey's ex-wife Susan (that was when Miss
Mazey was Mr Mazey) had locked herself out of their 1st floor
flat (AGAIN), and she had also left something cooking on the
cooker, she was panicking about the item catching fire and
causing damage to her flat, so she called me to see if I can
help". "By this time Miss/Mr Mazey had come back home from his/her late
shift as a care assistant from work, between myself & Mr/Miss
Mazey we managed to borrow a ladder from a neighbour in the hope
of gaining access to their flat", "Ok, that's fine Mr Hyde" the
Police said, "We'll leave you too it", they asked me because we
were out in the street had any of us seen anything or anyone
acting suspiciously....... I asked the officers to step away from this small group of people
for a little while and told them that while Martin (Mr McCormack)
was holding the ladder for Miss/Mr Mazey while he had gone up it,
the wind came along and blew up his skirt revealing his french
knickers because he wasn't wearing any tights, they immediately
cracked up in laughter and said "brill, and Mr Hyde....", I
replied with "So I reckon officers that this could be seen as a
brief encounter of the 4th kind", they roared with laughter, got
back in their Police car and drove off... (Note....if you all think that this is just another one of Dr
Jekyll's Stories, believe me when I say that on my life
everything except for the police turning up really happened on
the fateful night of Wednesday the 29th August, however, I did
say to a very good friend/neighbour Dot and her husband Martin
that same night, "Well Dot/Martin, I suppose you could say that
this was a brief encounter of the 4th kind, I left them in
stitches.........Dr Jekyll).
Now onto a more serious story, Police last night found and
abandoned empty truck in a lay-by in somewhere in north
Yorkshire, the empty truck was believed to have been carrying
8000 pairs of various styled men shoes, the only problem is that
they were all rejects owing to the fact that they were all right
shoes, police are now looking for any male wearing two left
shoes, or any one left legged men with a new shoe.
Last week the Zippy character was found by police murdered in his
home, their was a message attached to his chest with a knife, it
read "The Rainbow killed him because he had a big gob and could
keep it shut about what went on behind the scenes with Geoffrey &
George"...
Last month in Upper-Riding which is somewhere in North Yorkshire
a Mr Ernst Scrimshaw who is a very keen astronomer tried to hang
on to his much acclaimed 3rd world title Geese-Wrestling
championship, his aim every year is to physically wrestle in turn
each goose down to the ground for a count of 3, he has to do this
36 times with a whole flock of 36 geese. However, this year things went dramatically wrong for Ernst,
little did he know that this particular year the birds mating
ritual was three weeks later than normal, he got amongst the
flock then slipped over and all that was seen of him for 45
minutes was the brief flash of his pink bum and the painful cry
every few minutes of "Oh no, not again, ouch, ohhhh". After about 50 minutes he scrambled away from the feathered
fiends and looking somewhat distraught and bedraggled was asked
what had happened in the midst of all the frenzy, his only answer
was this "Well, I reckon that I've just been well and truly
goosed up the Uranus".
In west-Riding last night, a man who went on a 3 hour Joy-Ride
was finally arrested, but later was released without charge, both
himself and joy are very tired, Joy won't be seeing any more men
for a while due to the fact she's got a headache...