Football Fans
Two Scotland fans are in hell. Lucifer decides to inspect his
flock and goes on his daily rounds. He comes across the two Scots
grinning happily.
"Why are you two so happy?" inquires Lucifer, "You're in hell and
are supposed to be tormented souls."
"We're from Scotland," says one Scot, "It's always cold, wet and
windy there. It's lovely and warm here and we like it."
Lucifer goes away, troubled by what he has seen. He decides to
turn the Flames Of Hell up and make the place even hotter. The
souls of Hell scream in pain.
He goes on his rounds again and comes across the two Scots, still
grinning happily.
"Why are you two so happy?" inquires Lucifer, "I've just turned
the Flames of Hell up, and you're supposed to be screaming in
pain."
"We're from Scotland," says one Scot, "It's always cold, wet and
windy there. It's lovely and warm here, and we like it".
Lucifer is getting mad. He decides to turn the Flames of Hell on
full. The souls of Hell howl in pain.
He goes on his rounds again and comes across the two Scots, still
grinning happily.
"Why are you two so happy?" rages Lucifer, "I've just turned the
Flames of Hell on full, you should be begging for mercy."
"We're from Scotland," says one Scot, "It's always cold, wet and
windy there. It's lovely and warm here and we like it."
Lucifer is furious and starts to think and decides to give the
Scots a taste of home so he turns the Flames of Hell off. The
place goes cold, icicles form on the Hell Caves and the
temperature drops to well below freezing.
Lucifer goes on his rounds and comes across the Scots. dancing
with joy.
"WHAT!!!" Lucifer explodes, "I have just given you a taste of
home, you should be writhing in pain."
"Well, pal," one Scot replies, "Hell has just frozen
over........... so that means Scotland have qualified for the
World Cup!"
Mad Monk
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed
to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for
his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass, and they bring him back in to ask for his
next two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass, and again, they bring him in for his two
words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders says. "You've done nothing
but complain since you got here."
Marked
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,"
she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
A Survey
A woman was walking down the high street when she was stopped by
a man who was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes
towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the
television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your arse!"
THERAPY SESSION
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,"
he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
Addressing the third Mom, he stated, "Your obsession is alcohol.
Like the others, your obsession manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
The Pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to
go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were
this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
The Lessons
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and
in her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"
Momma's Wash Cloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.
One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He
asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor
had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I
found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along
with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid's washing daddy's face with it."
MOTHER'S DICTIONARY
Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
sex again
Bottle Feeding:
an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too
Defense:
what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de
kids play outside
Drooling:
how teething babies wash their chins
Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Family Planning:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots
Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him
Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right
Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
Look Out!:
what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
Prenatal:
when your life was still somewhat your own
Prepared Childbirth:
a contradiction in terms
Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it
Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours
Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Storeroom:
the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything
Temper Tantrums:
what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
Thunderstorm:
a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
Top Bunk:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
Two-Minute Warning:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises
Verbal:
able to whine in words
Weaker Sex:
the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
Whodunit:
none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops:
an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
REVENGE IS SWEET
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a
nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for
a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky
and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given
life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would
you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!"
