These'll Kill Ya

I found this massive bunch of jokes on the hard-backup CD which I got with the 3.5" IDE 3.4Gb hard drive and my 2nd A1200 setup with a CD writer, I bought the 2nd miggy system mainly because of the CD writer from a mate of Mike Gray from Plymouth, the bloke in question (Robin Maddock) is also a good mate of mine.

Now, I think that most of these jokes are excellent, some are crap, and some are a bit sick, love 'em or hate 'em, you've gotta laugh at 'em, if you don't, then get a life mate....(Dr Jekyll).....

Q. What is worse than a bull in a China shop?
A. A dingo in a nursery.

Q. What has six legs and runs around Ayers Rock?
A. A dingo with a baby in its mouth.

Q. What are test-tube babies most afraid of?
A. A dingo with a straw.

Q. How do you bring up a baby in the Northern Territory?
A. Stick your fingers down a dingo's throat.

Q. What is the definition of suspicion?
A. A dingo pushing a pram around Ayers Rock.

Q. Why did the dingo eat the little girl?
A. She was dressed up like a dog's dinner.

Q. What is the definition of revenge?
A. A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

Q. What do you call two babies in a pram on the top of Ayers Rock?
A. Meals On Wheels.

Q. What did one dingo say to the other dingo as they stood outside the tent at Ayers Rock?
A. Shall we eat in, or take away?

Q. What do vegetarian dingoes eat?
A. Cabbage Patch Kids.

Q. What kind of wood doesn't float?
A. Natalie Wood.

Q. What is the similarity between a Russian fighter pilot and a pair of skis?
A. They both shoot down slopes.

Q. Who taught Grace Kelley to drive?
A. Edward Kennedy.

Q. What was the name of Rock Hudson's last movie?
A. Back Passage To India.

Q. Why did they bury Rock Hudson with his bum up?
A. In case one of his friends wanted to slip in for a cold one.

Q. How did AIDS get into America?
A. Up the Hudson.

Q. Did you hear how they're going broke up in Heaven?
A. Rock Hudson's up there blowing all the prophets.

Q. What is the difference between a crocodile and a dingo?
A. Crocodiles prefer older women.

Q. What do you do if you see a crocodile with a string hanging out of it's mouth?
A. Give it a yank.

Q. What has four legs and goes "woof"?
A. The Piper Alpha oil platform.

Q. What is rusty and leans against Canterbury Cathedral?
A. Terry Waite's bicycle.

Q. What is harder to get than toilet paper in Moscow?
A. A student loan in Beijing.

Q. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side?
A. He's all right now.

Q. What is the worst part about a heart-lung transplant?
A. Coughing up someone else's phlegm.

Q. What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat?
A. The wheelchair.

Q. How do you identify a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?
A. When his dog's leash goes slack.

Q. How do you make a skeleton?
A. Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

Q. How do you make sausages?
A. Put a sock over the end of the wind tunnel.

Q. What's green and blows bubbles?
A. A baby in a bucket of snot.

Q. What's two feet tall and can't turn around in corridors?
A. A baby with a javelin through it's head.

Q. What's black and taps on windows?
A. A baby in an oven.

Q. What's blue with yellow stripes and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A. A baby with its floaties slashed.

Q. What's red and sits in the corner screaming?
A. A peeled baby in a cot of salt.

Q. What's more fun than hanging a baby on a spinning clothes line?
A. Stopping it with a cricket bat.

Q. What's red and sits in the corner?
A. A baby eating razor blades.

Q. What's green and sits in the corner?
A. The same baby a month later.

Q. How do you put a baby into a shoe box?
A. Use a blender.

Q. How do you get a baby out of a shoe box?
A. Use a straw.

Q. How do you stop a baby from crying?
A. Chop its head off.

Q. What's red and stands in front of a mirror?
A. A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

Q. What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
A. About five minutes in a microwave oven.

Q. Why do you put babies into the blender feet first?
A. To see the expression on their faces.

Q. What's yellow, crispy and lives in a fish and chip shop?
A. A battered baby.

Q. What's so great about being a test-tube baby?
A. You get a womb with a view.

Q. Why do Jews have big noses?
A. Air is free.

Q. What is Jewish foreplay?
A. Two hours of begging.

Q. How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew?
A. "Trust me."

Q. Why are synagogues round?
A. So the Jews can't hide in the corner during the collection.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
A. A chain of empty stores.

Q. What's black and bumps into pianos?
A. Stevie Wonder.

Q. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
A. He doesn't know that he's black.

Q. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
A. Neither has he.

Q. What did Stevie Wonder say when he received a cheese grater for Christmas?
A. That is the most violent novel that I've ever read.

Q. How do you stop an Aborigine from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. Why do Aborigines smell so bad?
A. So blind people can hate them too.

Q. What is the difference between an Aborigine and a dog turd?
A. After a while the dog turd turns white and loses its smell.

Q. What do you call an Aboriginal with earmuffs on?
A. Anything you like because he can't hear you.

Q. How do you get an Aborigine out of the bath?
A. Turn on the water.

Q. Did you hear about the Aboriginal with diarrhoea?
A. He thought he was melting.

Q. What's three things that you can't give an Aborigine?
A. A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

Q. Why are there no Aboriginal poofters?
A. They're all too lazy to get off their arses.

Q. What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
A. An Aboriginal with the s**t kicked out of him.

Q. What do you call an Aborigine swimming in Darwin Harbour?
A. Pollution.

Q. How many Aborigines does it take to pave a driveway?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q. What do you call a group of Aboriginals falling down a mountain?
A. An abbo-lanche.

Q. What do you call an Aboriginal woman who marries an Irishman?
A. A social climber.

Q. What colour is an Aborigine when you run over him in the street?
A. Flat black.

Q. What's red and white and makes you laugh?
A. A bus load of Aboriginees going over a cliff.

Q. What do you get if you cross an Aborigine with a Vietnamese?
A. A drunk who can't drive.

Q. Why do you never offer an Aboriginal a tip?
A. Better living conditions don't really interest him.

Q. What do you call an Aboriginal in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. What are the first five words an Aboriginal child learns?
A. "Will the defendant please rise?"

Q. What does an Aboriginal call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A. A stick.

Q. What's black and brown and looks good on an Aboriginal?
A. A pack of dobermans.

Q. What's the similarity between an Aboriginal and a computer?
A. You have to punch instructions into both of them.

Q. Why are computers smarter than Aboriginals?
A. You only have to punch instructions into a computer once.

Q. What do you do with a dead Aboriginal?
A. Scrape him out and make a wetsuit out of him.

Q. What do you call an Aboriginal with a shotgun?
A. Sir.

Q. How long does it take an Aboriginal to eat a dead cat?
A. Depends how heavy the traffic is.

Q. Why should Aboriginals be buried 100 feet underground?
A. Because deep down they're really nice people.

Q. Did you hear about the Ethiopian who was thrown into the piranha pool?
A. He'd eaten fifteen before anyone had managed to pull him out.

Q. Why do Ethiopians sleep with their fingers up their noses?
A. So that nobody can steal their breakfast.

Q. What do they call a six stone Ethiopian?
A. Fatso.

Q. What is the definition of an Ethiopian in an army helmet?
A. A roofing nail.

Q. What's the fastest thing on two legs?
A. An Ethiopian chicken.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
A. You know that she'll swallow.

Q. What's black and runs through the desert at 100 kph?
A. An Ethiopian with a MacDonalds voucher.

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat?
A. A vegetarian.

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats?
A. A caterer.

Q. Why do Irish women have black tits?
A. Because they don't take off their bras before they burn them.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
A. He ties the girl's legs together so that she can't run away.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish abortionist who went out of business?
A. His ferret died.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish skydiver?
A. He was killed when his snorkel and flippers failed to open.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish?
A. It set.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish mosquito?
A. It caught malaria.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
A. It was found dead in a brick.

Q. Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?
A. To be sure, to be sure.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
A. It took him two hours to get his family out.

Q. What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
A. He has more brains inside his stomach than inside his head.

Q. What does an Irishman have inside his skull?
A. A piece of paper with the word "brain" written on it.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.

Q.Did you hear about the Irish Man From Atlantis?
A. He had aquaphobia.

Q. Why don't Irish women breast feed their babies?
A. Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

Q. Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
A. Because they can't fit their heads in the jar.

Q. How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A. Knock on the hatch.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted to be buried at sea?
A. Six of his mates drowned trying to dig the hole.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish Sea Scouts?
A. Their tents keep sinking.

Q. How do you make an Irishman burn his ear?
A. Ring him up while he's ironing.

Q. What's black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?
A. An Irish electrician.

Q. Why wasn't Christ born in Ireland?
A. They couldn't find three wise men or one virgin.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who learned to tap dance?
A. He fell into the sink and drowned.

Q. What do you do when an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin out and throw it back.

Q. What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A. Run - he's holding a live hand grenade.

Q. What's got an I.Q. of 25 and digs ditches?
A. 25 Irish ditch diggers.

Q. What's got an I.Q. of 26 and digs ditches?
A. A wombat.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mount Everest?
A. They ran out of scaffolding.

Q. What's written on the bottom of an Irish whiskey bottle?
A. Open other end.

Q, What's written on the top of an Irish whiskey bottle?
A. See other end for instructions.

Q. How do you identify an Irish computer programmer?
A. The screen of his workstation is covered in liquid paper.

Q. What is a dope ring?
A. Six Irishmen standing in a circle.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish archer who fired an arrow into the air?
A. He missed.

Q. How do you keep an Irishman amused for hours?
A. Give him a piece of paper with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who bought himself a pair of water skis?
A. He was killed trying to slalom down a waterfall.

Q. What were the names of the Irish gay couple?
A. Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A. One less drink.

Q. Why do Irish men make lousy lovers?
A. Because they wait for the swelling to go down.

Q. Why do Irish dogs have flat noses?
A. From chasing parked cars.

Q. How do you brainwash an Irishman?
A. Give him an enema.

Q. What's an Irishman with his finger up his bum?
A. A brain surgeon.

Q. Whan God was handing out the resources, why did the Irish get the potatoes and the Arabs get the oil?
A. The Irish had first choice.

Q. How is an Irish ladder different from an ordinary one?
A. It has a stop sign at the top.

Q. What do you find at the bottom of an Irish swimming pool?
A. A sign saying "No Smoking".

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was given a pair of water skis?
A. He spend the rest of his life looking for a sloping lake.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was given two weeks to live?
A. He decided to take one week in May and the other week in October.

Q. What are the best three years of an Irishman's life?
A. Third grade.

Q. What happened when the Irish played water polo?
A. Their horses drowned.

Q. How does an Irish firing squad line up?
A. One behind the other, OR:
A. In a circle.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who took his car in for a service?
A. It got jammed in the church door.

Q. Did you hear about the four Irishmen who were killed drinking milk?
A. The cow sat on them.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was given a pair of cufflinks?
A. He had his wrists pierced.

Q. Why is the suicide rate low among Irishmen?
A. It's pretty hard to kill yourself by jumping out of a basement.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
A. He was told that if you can't lick them, join them.

Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
A. Lucky.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
A. The arsehole rejected him seven days later.

Q. What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A. A bloody liar.

Q. How can you pick the Irish pirate?
A. He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Q. Why are Irish council workers only allowed ten minute tea breaks?
A. Any more than that and they have to be retrained.

Q. Why don't the Irish have ice in their drinks?
A. The old lady who knew the recipe died.

Q. What has an I.Q. of 98?
A. Ireland.

Q. What's five miles long, green, and has an I.Q. of 5?
A. The Saint Patrick's day march.

Q. What's the definition of gross ignorance?
A. 144 Irishmen.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
A. It opens on impact.

Q. What caused the New York blackout?
A. Four Irishmen installing a doorbell.

Q. What happens when an Irishman picks his nose?
A. His head collapses.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
A. He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Q. What is the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe?
A. A disaster is when a ship carrying 1000 Irishmen sinks.
A catastrophe is when they can all swim.

Q. Why don't the Irish have haemorrhoids?
A. Because they're all perfect arseholes.

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with an Irishman?
A. A retarded ape.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A. It has a twelve month waiting list.

Q. What happened to the Irishwoman who bought a vibrator?
A. She smashed all her teeth in.

Q. Why did the Irishman wear condoms on his ears?
A. He was afraid of catching hearing AIDS.

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One hundred - one to hold the lightbulb and 99 to turn the room around.

Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six - one to do all the work and five to share in the experience.

Q. How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.

Q. How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - but the bulb has got to want to change first.

Q. How many sceptics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. What makes you think a light bulb can be changed anyway?

Q. How many fashion designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - they just mount a huge advertising campaign proclaiming that this year "dark" is in.

Q. How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three - one to hold down the bulb and two to apply the electrodes.

Q. How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two - one to change the bulb and one to write a book about the passive role of the socket.

Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many do you think?

Q. How many punsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - a light bulb is just a filament of your imagination.

Q. How many software analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - it's a tradesman's problem. Software analysts are too important to do such menial work.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only two - but it's difficult to get them in there.

Q. How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They don't know how to - it's a hardware problem.

w many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six - one to do all the work and five to write a song about how good the old one was.

Q. How many DELL technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four - one to do all the work and the other three to hold all the manuals.

Q. How do you drown an Italian?
A. Pull the chain while he's drinking.

Q. What is the highest paid job in Italy?
A. Riding shot-gun on a garbage truck.

Q. How can you tell an Italian sewerage farm?
A. It has diving boards all around it.

Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A. You can't fit all that shit in a tennis shoe.

Q. Why do Italians wear hats?
A. So they know which end to wipe.

Q. Why do Italians carry shit in their wallets?
A. For identification.

Q. Why do flies have wings?
A. To beat the Italians to the rubbish bins.

Q. Why don't Italians have freckles?
A. They slide off.

Q. Why don't Italians eat fleas?
A. They can't get their little legs apart.

Q. Why did the Italian proctologist use two fingers?
A. In case the patient wanted a second opinion.

Q. What happens when Italians don't pay their garbage bill?
A. They stop delivery.

Q. What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 176?
A. A village.

Q. How do you tell in Alitalia airliner when it is directly overhead?
A. It has hair under its wings.

Q. Why do Italian air stewards wear pointed-toed shoes?
A. So they can squash the cockroaches in the corner of the cabin.

Q. Why do Italians have big noses?
A. They have thick fingers.

Q. What's a bigamist?
A. An Italian fog.

Q. What's a specimen?
A. An Italian astronaut.

Q. Why do Italian sewers have windows?
A. So that people can see what they're buying.

Q. Did you hear about the Italian who fell into the sewer?
A. He couldn't swim but he went through the motions.

Q. Why do Italian funerals need only two pallbearers?
A. There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q. What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
A. About twenty pounds and a black cardigan.

Q. What is the difference between an Italian and a bucket of s**t.
A. The bucket.

Q. Did you hear about the Italian who got a job cleaning out pigsties?
A. He said the money was rotten but the smell was O.K.

Q. What is the definition of Italian paratroopers?
A. Air pollution.

Q. What is the Italian battle flag?
A. A white cross on a white background.

Q. What is the shortest book ever written?
A. Italian War Heroes.

Q. What's got six reverse gears and one forward gear?
A. An Italian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.

Q. What is the first command an Italian soldier is taught?
A. Come back.

Q. What do you call a Vietnamese walking a dog?
A. A vegetarian.

Q. Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cook book?
A. One hundred ways to wok your dog.

Q. How do you fit 500 Vietnamese into a matchbox?
A. Tell them it floats.

Q. Why don't they go skiing in Vietnam?
A. All the slopes are out here.

Q. What do you throw a drowning Vietnamese?
A. His wife and family.

Q. Why do Australian men come so quickly?
A. So they can get down the pub and tell their mates.

Q. What is the Australian men's foreplay?
A. "Are you awake?"

Q. Why are Australian women also such poor judges of time?
A. Because they are always being told that this "Ah! Ah! Ah! AH! AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" is half an hour.

Q. What do you call a New Zealander with 1000 wives?
A. A shepherd.

Q. What is a New Zealander's foreplay?
A. "Here sheepie, sheepie, sheepie ..."

Q. How do you know when your house has been burgled by a New Zealander?
A. The cat's been molested and all the thongs are gone.

Q. Why do New Zealand racehorses run so fast?
A. They've seen what happens to the sheep.

Q. What's the definition of a virgin?
A. In England, any girl under 16; in Greece, any child under 10; and in Arabia, any camel that can outrun an Arab.

Q. Why is the camel called "The Ship of the Desert"?
A. Because it is full of Arab seamen.

Q. Why can't you circumcise an Iranian?
A. Because there's no end to those pricks.

Q. Why didn't the Lebanese bride wear any knickers to her wedding?
A. To keep the flies off the wedding cake.

Q. Did you hear about the Lebanese beauty contest?
A. Nobody won.

Q. What is the difference between a Lebanese woman and a pig?
A. A pig doesn't have a moustache.

Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in Lebanon?
A. A tourist.

Q. How do you know how many Pakistanis are living in a town?
A. Count the windows of the cellars and multiply by 36.

Q. Did you hear how 500 Pakistanis made an illegal entry into Britain?
A. They swam across the channel disguised as an oil slick.

Q. How can you tell when the aeroplane that has landed is full of Poms?
A. When the pilot turns the engines off, you can still hear the whining.

Q. How do you grow your own dope?
A. Plant a Pom.

Q. How do you fit ten Poms into a mini?
A. Make one a supervisor and the others will crawl up his arse.

Q. How does a Pommie have a bubble bath?
A. He sits in a puddle and farts.

Q. Why do they drink XXXX in Queensland?
A. They're too stupid to spell BEER.

Q. What is the definition of a virgin in Tasmania?
A. Any girl who can outrun her brothers.

Q. What's the definition of mass confusion?
A. Father's Day in Tasmania.

Q. How does a Tasmanian girl know when her mother is menstruating?
A. Her brother's dick tastes different.

Q. What's the difference between a Swiss admiral and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A. The Hoover vacuum cleaner sucks and sucks and never fails.

Q. What's the difference between pigeons and mountain goats?
A. Pigeons muck up fountains.

Q. What's the difference between a girl coming out of a bath and a girl coming out of a church?
A. The girl coming out of church has a soul full of hope.

Q. What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q. What is the difference between a cross-eyed archer and a constipated owl?
A. The cross-eyed archer shoots but can't hit.

Q. What is the difference between a war horse and a draught horse?
A. The war horse darts into the fray.

Q. Why did Quasimodo's wife buy him a wok?
A. To iron his shirts.

Q. Why has three balls and comes from Outer Space?
A. E.T. the Extra Testicle.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook, OR:
A. Getting a head job from a werewolf.

Q. What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A. The same middle name.

Q. How did Humpty Dumpty die?
A. Shell shock.

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
A. Because he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

Q. What part of Popeye never rusts?
A. The part that he puts in Olive Oil.

Q. What's green and smells of pork?
A. Kermit's finger.

Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count up to 100?
A. When she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Q. Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vingar douche?
A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q. What goes green red green red green red white?
A. A frog pulling himself.

Q. What do you call a guinea pig with it's own roll of masking tape?
A. A tart.

Q. Why should you always root sheep on the edge of cliffs?
A. Because they push back harder.

Q. What is old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?
A. Fred Astaire's face.

Q. What goes into thirteen twice?
A. Roman Polanski.

Q. What is yellow and ugly and sleeps alone?
A. Yoko Ono.

Q. What do you call a dog with wings?
A. Linda McCartney.

Q. What has six legs and eats pussy?
A. You, me, and Billy Jean King.

Q. What do lesbians like more than Levi's Jeans?
A. Billy Jean's.

Q. What has one wheel and flies?
A. A wheelbarrow full of s**t.

Q. What's brown and has holes in it?
A. Swiss shit.

Q. What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A. Dung.

Q. Why do farts smell?
A. So deaf people can appreciate them too.

Q. What's invisible and smells of dog food?
A. A pensioner's fart.

Q. What's the difference between a flea and a condom?
A. One's a jumper and the other's a pullover.

Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?
A. A computer that never goes down on you.

Q. What is the difference between a computer sales person and a second-hand car dealer?
A. The chances are that the second-hand car dealer knows how to drive, OR:
A. The second-hand car dealer knows when he is bullshitting.

Q. Why did the computer cross the road?
A. It was programmed by the chicken.

Q. How do you tell the difference between Computer Scientist and a normal person?
A. Get them to count. The Computer Scientist is the one that starts from zero.

Q. Why was the nun expelled from the convent?
A. For doing pushups in the asparagus patch.

Q. What goes black white black white black white black white black white black white thump?
A. A nun falling down the stairs.

Q. What did one ovary say to the other ovary?
A. There must be a party down below ... two nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage, OR:
A. It must be raining outside ... some prick just came inside wearing a raincoat.

Q. Did you hear about the man who had five pricks?
A. His trousers fitted him like a glove.

Q. What do a Rubik's Cube and a prick have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q. Why is virginity like a balloon?
A. One prick and it's gone.

Q. Why is virginity like haemophilia?
A. One prick and it's all over.

Q. What do you get if you cross a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean?
A. An organic vibrator.

Q. Why is it frustrating to be an egg?
A. You only get laid once, you come in a box with eleven other blokes, you have to be boiled for five minutes to get hard, and the only person to sit on your face is your mother.

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. He was still attached to the chicken.

Q. What is the most sensitive part of the male's anatomy while he is masturbating?
A. His ears, listening for someone approaching.

Q. What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q. Did you hear about the man who couldn't spell?
A. He spent the night in a warehouse.

Q. Did you hear about the man who didn't know the difference between incest and arson?
A. He set his sister on fire.

Q. What did the pervert say to the twelve year old?
A. I wish you were five.

Q. What's the definition of disgusting?
A. When you kiss your grandmother and she sticks her tongue in your mouth, OR:
A. When you ask your grandfather for a job and he takes his teeth out.

Q. How do you keep an arsehole in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.

Q. What's the fastest four-handed game in the world?
A. When it slips out.

Q. Did you hear about the Ronald Reagan electronic typewriter?
A. It has no memory and no colon.

Q. What has thousands of arms and no pubic hair?
A. The front three rows of a Jason Donovan concert.

Q. What's the best way to see Melbourne?
A. Through the rear view mirror.

Q. What do you get after two days of rain in Sydney?
A. Monday.

Q. Why do dogs have cold, wet noses?
A. So as not to burn other dogs' arseholes.

Q. Why do dogs lick their balls?
A. Because they can.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A. They don't have any balls to scratch.

Q. What's worse than having a dead dog on your piano?
A. Having an infected pussy on your organ.

Q. What's the most difficult part of a sex change operation?
A. Stitching in the anchovies.

Q. Why do fishermen make such good lovers?
A. Because they're used to the smell.

Q. Why don't they like women swimming in the ocean?
A. It's so hard to get the smell out of the fish.

Q. What's the definition of a diaphragm?
A. A trampoline for dickheads.

Q. What is the difference between a ladder and a nurse?
A. Not everyone can get up a ladder.

Q. Whats the difference between a nurse and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a nurse?
A. You can't make love to an elephant with a watermelon.

Q. What's the difference between a nurse and a swimming pool?
A. If you hold your breath you can come out of swimming pool alive.

Q. What's the difference between a nurse and a Rolls Royce?
A. Not everyone's been in a Rolls Royce.

Q. How did AIDS leave the hospital?
A. On crutches.

Q. Did you hear about the lawyer?
A. He got legal AIDS.

Q. Did you hear about the miracle of AIDS?
A. It turns fruits into vegetables.

Q. What does AIDS stand for backwards?
A. Serious Disease In the Arse.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who got herpes on his eyelid?
A. He was looking for love in all the wrong places.
Q. What's yellow and eats nuts?
A. Syphilis.

Q. Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?
A. From sleeping in snatches.

Q. What do call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

Q. Why is a prostitute with pox like a $50 bill up a telegraph pole?
A. First up gets it.

Q. What do you get if you cross a prostitute with a monkey?
A. A good screw that costs peanuts.

Q. How do you retread an aging prostitute?
A. Bung a leg of lamb up her and pull the bone out.

Q. Why don't prostitutes vote?
A. They don't give a damn who gets in.

Q. What is unskilled labour?
A. A pregnant prostitute.

Q. Why did the prostitute drill a hole in her hip?
A. To earn a bit on the side.

Q. What is the difference between a prostitute and a bitch?
A. A prostitute screws anyone; a bitch screws anyone but you.

Q. How do you give a prostitute nine inches and make her bleed?
A. Fuck her three times and punch her in the nose.

Q. What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A. You can't make a vita min.

Q. What do you do when a bird sh**s on your head?
A. Never go out with her again.

Q. What's the definition of a passionate kiss?
A. When your tongue on the way down meets your hand on the way up.

Q. Why is a passionate kiss like a spider's web?
A. Because it soon leads to the undoing of the fly.

Q. What's the (girl's) definition of a lousy lay?
A. A bloke that screws her all night with a three inch prick and kisses her goodbye with a nine inch tongue.

Q. Did you hear about the eight-foot-tall man who searched the world looking for an eight-foot-tall woman?
A. He couldn't find one so he got two four-foot-tall women and screwed them together.

Q. Why do women like to go to old gynaecologists?
A. Because they shake.

Q. What's the definition of a geriatrics gynaecologist?
A. A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q. What's the definition of a drawing pin?
A. An excited smartie.

Q. What's the difference between smarties and humans?
A. Smarties come in six different colours.

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow.

Q. Why did the guy want to be reincarnated as a table cloth?
A. So he could get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.

Q. Why did God make urine yellow and come white?
A. So you know whether you're coming or going.

Q. Why was the ground white at Custer's last stand?
A. Because the Indians kept coming and coming.

Q. What is white and hangs from the clouds?
A. The Second Coming of the Lord.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back - I don't know how big this thing gets.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q. What's the definition of a quickie?
A. Now this won't hurt a bit, didn't it!

Q. What's a real mate?
A. Someone who'll go into town and get two blow jobs, then come back and give you one.

Q. What is the definition of torture?
A. Reading Playboy while wearing steel underpants.

Q. What is the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. What do you get if you cross a chicken with an owl?
A. A cock that stays up all night.

Q. What do you get if you cross a penis with a potato?
A. A dicktater.

Q. What's fifteen inches long and white?
A. Nothing - if it's that long it has to be black.

Q. How can you tell what clan a Scotsman comes from?
A. Look under his kilt - if he's got a quarterpounder he's a MacDonald.

Q. What is organic dental floss?
A. Pubic hair.

Q. Why is pubic hair curly?
A. So it doesn't poke your eyes out.

Q. What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
A. You come in one, go in the other, but have to be stiff to use both.

Q. What is the smallest mortuary in the world?
A. A fanny, because you can only fit one stiff in at a time.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A fanny, because you have to leave your bags outside.

Q. Why can't a fanny talk?
A. Because it has two hair lips.

Q. Why do we have weather cocks on barns?
A. Because the wind would blow right through a fanny.

Q. What is the difference between male and female mud crabs?
A. The females have mudflaps.

Q. What do women and aeroplanes have in common?
A. They both have flaps and a cockpit.

Q. Why is the frying pan on the wall like a pair of knickers?
A. You've got to pull both down to put the fat in.

Q. When do the Japanese hold their elections?
A. Just before bleakfast.

Q. What's a 69er in metric?
A. 181.

Q. What's a 69er in Chinese?
A. Tu Can Chew.

Q. Why is it best to do a 69er upside down?
A. Because your taste buds are on the top of your tongue.

Q. What has a 69er got in common with the Mafia?
A. One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

Q. What is the definition of a 68?
A. You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

Q. What is a 6.9?
A. A good 69 interrupted by a period.

Q. What's the definition of analingus?
A. Tongue in cheek.

Q. What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?
A. A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.

Q. How does a French call-girl hold her liquor?
A. By his ears.

Q. Did you hear about the invitation to the party in Paris?
A. It was a french letter with "come" written on it.

Q. What did the dentist say to Linda Lovelace?
A. That's the nicest set of teeth I've ever come across.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job still sucks.

Q. Why was beer invented?
A. So that fat women could get a root too.

Q. How many men does it take to clean out a toilet?
A. None, it's a woman's job.

Q. How do you tell if a girl is not wearing knickers?
A. By the dandruff on her shoes.

Q. How do you know if a woman is wearing panyhose?
A. When she farts, her ankles swell.

Q. Who invented the female body?
A. The Board of Works. Who else would put a playground near a sewer?

Q. Why do ballerinas wear tights?
A. So they don't stick to the floor.

Q. Why did cavemen drag their women along by the hair?
A. Because if the dragged them by the ankles, they would have filled up with dirt.

Q. What should a woman put behind her ears to make her more sexy?
A. Her ankles.

Q. Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A. So they won't be mistaken for feminists.

Q. What is the definition of arousal?
A. A blind lesbian walking past a fish market.

Q. What's the definition of frenzy?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. If a stork is a bird that comes with a baby, what is a bird that doesn't?
A. A swallow.

Q. What is the definition of an alcoholic?
A. Someone who goes to a topless bar just to get a drink.

Q. Why are boobs like a train set?
A. They're meant for the kids but the father ends up playing with them.

Q. What is the difference between your girlfriend and your bank account?
A. Nothing - you lose interest on withdrawal.

Q. What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A. A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks and a nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.

Q. Why don't women's guts fall out through their snatches?
A. Because the vacuum in their heads holds them up.

Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Because they deserve them.

Q. What is the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
A. You can't gargle sand.

Q. What did the vampire say to the teacher?
A. See you next period.

Q. Why is the Red Sea red?
A. Cleopatra used to bathe there periodically.

Q. Did you hear about the Negro that told the genie that he wanted to be white, uptight and out of sight?
A. He was turned into a tampon.

Q. What do you call a tampon in a river?
A. A blood vessel.

Q. Did you hear about the archeologist who found an old tampon?
A. He couldn't tell what period it was from.

Q. What's the definition of a Women's Liberationist?
A. A bird that rolls her own tampons and kick starts her menstrual cycle.

Q. What happens if you put your hand up a Gypsy's dress?
A. You get your hand read once a month.

Q. Why do women parachutists wear tampons?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q. Did you hear about the female parachutist?
A. She pulled the wrong cord and bled to death.

Q. Did you hear about the woman who bought 100 tampons for $5.00?
A. There were no strings attached.

Q. Did you hear about the tampon with bells on it?
A. It was for the Christmas period.

Q. Did you hear about the chocolate covered tampon?
A. It was for the Easter period.

Q. What's it like waking up shipwrecked?
A. Hand on the main and surrounded by seamen.

Q. Did you hear about the poofter dog?
A. He preferred his Pal to Lassie.

Q. How do you get four poofters on a bar stool?
A. Turn it upside down.

Q. How can you tell when you've walked into a gay church?
A. Only half the congregation are kneeling.

Q. Did you hear about the gay sailors?
A. They gave each other a tug for Christmas.

Q. Is it better to be born black or gay?
A. Black - because you don't have to tell your parents.

Q. What is the poofter's motto?
A. Never leave your mates behind.

Q. Why do so many poofters have moustaches?
A. To hide the stretch marks.

Q. Did you hear about the gay lumberjacks?
A. They went into the forest with axes and came out with circular saws.

Q. Did you hear about the gay boxers?
A. They beat each other around the ring.

Q. Did you hear about the gay Indian?
A. He jumped into the canoe, took three strokes and shot across the lake.

Q. Did you hear about the gay burglar?
A. He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator.

Q. Did you hear about the gay nail?
A. He laid in the road and blew a tyre.

Q. Did you hear about the two poofters in the phone box?
A. They were ringing each other.

Q. Why did the poofter leave home?
A. He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Q. Did you hear about the gay whale?
A. He used to suck the seamen out of submarines.

Q. Did you hear about the gay oyster?
A. He went out every weekend and pulled a mussel.

Q. Why was the poofter fired from the sperm bank?
A. He was caught drinking on the job.

Q. What has more holes than a crumpet?
A. Snow White's hymen.

Q. Why did the dwarf get married?
A. His friends put him up to it.

Q. Did you hear about the man who had a dwarf for a girlfriend?
A. He was nuts over her.

Q. What is two and a half inches long, has 256 balls and fucks ducks?
A. A shotgun cartridge.

Q. How do you know when a woman has been screwed by an elephant?
A. When she sits on a bar stool and slides over it.

Q. What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
A. Wipe it off and apologise.

Q. What is green and is found on trees in the jungle?
A. Elephant snot.

Q. What do you do when elephants have periods?
A. Hide all the mattresses.

Q. How does an elephant cry?
A. It sits on its bum and bawls.

Q. What do elephants use for tampons?
A. Marino sheep.

Q. What do elephants use for vibrators?
A. Epileptic pygmies.

Q. Why have elephants have four feet?
A. Six inches just isn't enough, OR: A. Six inches looks a bit silly.

Q. What's grey and comes in pints?
A. An elephant.

Q. What's the brown stuff between the toes of an elephant?
A. Slow natives.

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes in your bedroom?
A. Swim for the door.

Q. Why don't you go walking through the jungle at two o'clock in the morning?
A. Because the elephants sleeping in the trees fall out and squash you.

Q. Why are pygmies so short?
A. Because they walk through the jungle at two o'clock in the morning.

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. So they can walk over the pygmies.

Q. What is the main difference between an elephant and a prune?
A. Their colour.

Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
A. "Here come the prunes." (She was colour-blind)

Q. Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A. So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q. How did Tarzan die?
A. Picking cherries.

Q. How did the male elephant find the female elephant in the long grass?
A. Delightful.

Q. How do you know when you've been raped by an elephant?
A. When you've been pregnant for 36 months.

Q. How do you kill an elephant?
A. With an elephant gun.

Q. How do you kill a purple elephant?
A. With a purple elephant gun.

Q. How do you kill a pink elephant?
A. Tie a knot in it's trunk, wait until it turns purple, then shoot it with the purple elephant gun.

Q. Why did the elephant wear ripple-soled shoes?
A. To give the ants a 50-50 chance.

Q. Why did the elephant go to bed in his red pajamas?
A. His blue ones were in the wash.

Q What is green, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
A. A billiard table.

Q. What's white on the outside, green on the inside, and hops?
A. A frog sandwich.

Q. What's green and red and goes round at 1000 rpm?
A. A frog in a blender.

Q. What is yellow and points north?
A. A magnetic banana.

Q. What is yellow and dangerous?
A. Shark-infested custard.

Q. How do you stop a rooster from crowing on a Monday morning?
A. Eat it on Sunday.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No idea.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea.

Q. What is yellow, smells of bananas, and is found in trees?
A. Monkey vomit.

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead.

Q. Why did the possum fall out of the tree?
A. It was stapled to the koala.

Q. How did the kangaroo break its leg?
A. It tripped over the dead koala.

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind as it hits the windscreen of a car?
A. It's arse.

Q. Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What does a walrus have in common with tupperware?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. Why don't bunnies make any noise when they screw?
A. They have cotton balls.

Q. Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
A. He heard the referee was blowing fouls.

Q. What do you get from kissing budgerigars?
A. Chirpies ... and it's untweetable.

Q. How do you make a sausage roll?
A. Push it.

Q. How do you make a Maltese Cross?
A. Jump on his foot.

Q. How do you make a Venetian Blind?
A. Poke him in the eye.

Q. What's black and hops through the bush?
A. Skippy in a bushfire.


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