Nick's Niche
by Nick Bolt
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner
of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the
administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The
nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother,
we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that
makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets
up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so
the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. "The father says, "Good, son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."
***********
During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a
popular local bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely
walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking
for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found
his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He
turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to
pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the
last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the
man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his great
surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"
*********
Meeting Bill Gates
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the
corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle,
but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you
would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and
I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when
she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and
started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill
Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
************
For the Love of Guinness
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman
pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU
BASTARD!"
*************
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few
broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly
hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the
nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognisable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's
happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when
they're small!"
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in
the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the
gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he
said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he
does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took
off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting
and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again
he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed
up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his
food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his
wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell @2HIM@5, you have a
headache!"
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it
into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him
eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her
eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I
had tennis elbow once."
*************
The Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements
of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he
wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying
themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his
wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on
the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much
fun!"
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked
young woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when
all you've got is that naked young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied, "That's Michelle."
***************
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while
putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could
be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
**************
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the
alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his
sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to
her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn
from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated
65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This
one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can
learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated
365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He
mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really
learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365
times with the same cow."
*************
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman
was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the Police.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What
did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Scotland," the patrolman said. "I spent some
time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've
ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day
he has finally saved up enough money, so he goes to the dealer.
After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he
leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He
tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline
handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in
rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parent over dinner. He
readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks
her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents home. Before they
go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever
speaks firsts after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After long
fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he
reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one
says a word...!!! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so
he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he
grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder
sex. And no one says a word...!!! By now he is getting very worried
and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the
distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley,
so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the
father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes."
END.
