"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
I saw my coworker Jim Monday morning. I was about to ask him how
his weekend went when I noticed his black eye. It was a real
shiner. "What the heck happened to you? Were you mugged?" I
asked. "Worse," Jim said painfully. "Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast in Mendicino
this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin there." He said. "Well? How did you get that black eye? How did you get
those bruises on your arms? What about that cut over your other
eye?" "Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with Liz and
Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon. We were all having
breakfast together. That honeymoon couple looked at each other
with love in their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks
'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar'. "We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the 'isn't that
romantic' look women get. Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the
honey, honey.' Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. "The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room
was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass the tea-bag'."
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She
starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the
class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to
the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's
teeth."
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So
she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to
screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her
honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of
the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to
cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of
earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied,"There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming,... and the smell of burning rubber!"
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable
to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This
is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to
how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers
him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only
use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it
shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's
over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is
'1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again
for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says:
"1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
An ambitious Computer Tech finally decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life.... till the boat sank. The man found himself
swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you
get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash
up with you." "Oh, this?." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw
material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from
Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no
tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side
of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she said. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked
onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone
walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked
into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it
home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more
coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and
they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged
their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused,
"what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -
strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean.....?" he
replied, "....I can check my e-mail from here?"
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near
a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give
the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. "That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some
wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted
green, the other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth
happened to you dear?" he asks. "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they
don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me
this paint job!" "Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the
jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts. A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?" The husband answers, "The first coat is dry."
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay,
he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The
warden saw, that deep down, Andy was a good person and made
arrangements for Andy to learn a trade. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend
pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he
always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had
done much of the work himself, but he lacked the skills to build
a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had
promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked
him to complete the job for him. However, Andy refused by telling the warden, "Gosh, I'd really
like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison
in the first place."
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other? A. A speech impediment Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at
half-mast? A. They're hiring Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either. Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each
arm? A. A pimp. Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage.... along with a recipe. Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F"
word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit." Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already
in the United States.
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi- syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers blanches, gives a sickly smile and says, "Wow, little
Johnny, that's quite a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at The end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you mast**bate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
This wife wanted to do something special for her husband on their 20th wedding anniversary so she decided to get a tattoo. She goes to the tattoo parlor, and tells the guy why she wants to get a tattoo.
"Do you have any suggestions of what I should have tattooed?" she asks.
"Well, does your husband have any pet names for you?" he inquires.
"Why yes he does. He sometimes calls me Bubble Butt." she replied.
"Then that's it! We'll tattoo a "B" on each of your butt cheeks so that he will always remember Bubble Butt."
She gets the tattoo and goes home all excited about this gift she will be giving to her husband. He's sitting on the couch reading the paper and she starts to dance around the living room. She dances and dances and dances but she can't get him to turn his attention from the paper.
After a while she goes up to him, moves the paper, hikes up her skirt, bends over and says, "Look!"
He looks at her newly tattooed ass, feels a bit puzzled, and finally says, "Who's BOB?"
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns,
ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of
the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older
woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's
disgusting to watch." "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've
paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I bloody well want
on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing
them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally, he
finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the
woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to
sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
£200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when
the police smell your fingers."