The film had been on for half an hour when a woman came running out to the foyer looking very upset. "I've been interfered with !!!" she complained to the manager.
He eventually managed to calm her down and move her to another part of the cinema when another woman came running out claiming the same thing!
This was too much for the manager so he grabbed a torch and went to investigate.
He looked around for a bit and then saw an old bald man crawling around on all fours.
"What's going on?" he demanded
"I've lost my hairpiece" said the man, "and the annoying thing is I've had my hands on it twice but it got away?"
A guy goes to a doctor and explains that every time he sneezes he gets a hard on! The doctor asks if he's taking anything for it. The man replies "Yes .... Pepper"
Two drunks come staggering out of a zoo, clothes in tatters, their hands and faces covered in blood. One of them says.. "I don't rate that lion dancing much!"
Paddy and Mick at an airport VIP lounge and they reckon the guy accross the way is the Pope.
Mick says to Paddy, "Only one way to know .. go and ask him"
Paddy goes up to this bloke and asks... "Excuse me.. Are you the Pope ?"
"Fuck off!" came the reply.
So he goes back to Mick and says .. "He won't say"
I asked an Irish girl for oral sex once ... she just started talking about it!
What beats a rose on your piano? Tulips on your organ
What's got four legs and one arm? A very nasty rotweiler
What does a penis an a rubiks cube have in common ? The more you play the harder it gets.
What's a tortoise and a whore got in common? As soon as they're on their backs they're f++ked
What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen? Stop going out with her.
What do you call a lesbian dinosour? Lickalotapus
What do you get if you turn 3 blondes upside down? 2 brunettes
The Big Bad wolf told little red riding hood "Lift your top so I can suck your tits." "
"No!!" she said lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!!"
It is the year 2000, and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water raft.
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."
AMEN
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
..and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
.. and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
.. that is his excuse for dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
A mixture of sport and alcohol provide short-term relief from symptoms but only permanent cure is Misogyny or Homosexuality. In case of severe contamination seek immediate attention from clergyman.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?