Chris's Christmas Crackers
by Chris Skelhorn
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother," the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow!"
A young man is sitting at his Mother's kitchen table, when he decides to 'come out'.
"Mum, I must tell you something."
"Yes, what is it?" she replies, still stirring.
"Well, I'm gay."
"Oh yes?" replies Mother, without turning round.
The young man goes quiet, and waits for the parent to digest the news.
"Does that mean you suck other men's penises?" she asked, eventually.
"Yes, it does."
The mother walks over to the son, looks down and smashes him over the head with the soup ladle.
"Then don't you complain about my cooking any more!" she bellows in his ear.
The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the bloody cleaner!"
B.O.O.K.
BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere - even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs.
Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain - the most efficient interface yet developed!
And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet!
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it!
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish. Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands!
BOOK often comes with an "index" feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if BOOK has been closed!
Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ... any BOOKmark can be used in any BOOK by any manufacturer!
A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years!
Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used.
You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions.
