Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend any time they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love.
She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her giving her new boyfriend a blow-job, and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heart broken, but, even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mum and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Ain't Payback a bitch?
One day our little niece Rita, went up to her mother and asked, "Mum, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When she was finished, Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
Here's algebraic proof of how you can achieve 103% at work !!
Where;
Then;
and;
BUT;
However;
Give it all you've got !!!!!!!
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says, "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gerswhin.
"You're right! I haven't heard anything like that before," says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and off they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
To My Darling Husband,
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent!
The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Jane
Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His pal looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the arse and say, 'Come on gel, how about a blowjob?' and she's always sound asleep."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
"Dear Wife, I am 54, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband, I too am 54, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in- law."
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant.
He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.
Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!"
The next day the new bill arrived.
It read, Tapping computer with hammer: $ 1
Knowing where to tap: $999
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asks.
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, l've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"Look, I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5 % are not.
He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
You mean you didn't get one either?
There was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like.
So one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced until they started taking off their clothing.
That's when he jumped from his hiding place, bolted out the door, and started running down the street screaming and yelling where he runs and into a man.
The man asks the boy, "What's wrong you young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!"
The little boy replies, GHOST... it's worse than that mister! My mummy told me that if I ever watched a girl undress before I got married, I'd would slowly turn to stone... and then all of a sudden......"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complemented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, Senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, Senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, Senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
One day when the teacher walked to the chalkboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the chalkboard. Again, she looked around in vain for the offender, but found none, so she cleaned it off and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!!!
Flying high in the sky over Gotham City, there was nothing for Superman to do. Crime was down and he was getting bored.
Superman thought he would fly over Lois' roof top penthouse to see what she was up to. As he approached he saw Lois sunbathing in the nude and stretched out all over her lounge chair.
Superman thought he'd grab a quickie - a little hit & run. He swooped down and quickly screwed Lois flying away before she even knew what had happened. Lois immediately sat up and said, "What the hell was that?"
The invisible man said, "I don't know but, my ass is hurting like hell!
There was a little boy who had a very gifted mind.
When he was about 12 his dad passed away. Like many children he wondered from time to time whether his dad went to heaven or elsewhere.
The question continued to surface throughout the years. Eventually this gifted youngster graduated at the head of his class at MIT with dual BS, MS and PhD degrees in electrical engineering and computer science.
Subsequently, he went to work for a firm that had the most powerful, complex, sophisticated computer that one could possibly imagine. Even with his superior intelligence, he was amazed at what the computer would do. It never failed any task assigned to it.
One day during lunch hour the question regarding his father surfaced once again. He thought: "Oh, what the heck!" , sat down at the console and typed in the following question: "Where is my father?"
After a few seconds of computing, the computer produced a printed report which read: "Your father is fishing in the Bahamas."
The young man was shocked.
"This thing has never failed me before!" he thought. He decided to give it another try and got the same response. He was totally frustrated.
Then he thought: "Wait a minute! Computers work on logic and I'm not asking a logical question."
He thought for a few minutes and typed in the following question: "Where is my mother's husband."
After several seconds of computing the printer produced the following response: "Your mother's husband died in 1977 and went to heaven. And your father's still fishing in the Bahamas!"
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all.... hawk, lion, and stinker.
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car, and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Have you heard the new song that Elton John and Michael Jackson wrote?
It's called: "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me"
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked ashen they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."
Q. Why don't witches wear knickers?
A. So the can get a better grip on the broom!
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
A friend forwarded this to me, I think whoever wrote it should get a medal!
A Chain letter to my friends.
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor little 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a load of poo-poo!
So basically, this message is a big raspberry to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2002, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't really care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you, don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
* Send this to 1 person:
One person will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
* Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
* Send this to 5-10 people:
5-10 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
* Send this to 10-20 people:
10-20 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!!
Good Luck!!!
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of rubbish. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad people with nothing better to do. So this is how it works...
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend
They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS:
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.
Right?
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a NorWeb logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Philips written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have B&Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Jane Asher written on my forehead?"
This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck, which reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever had.
For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.
"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely!", he says. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at this door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you."
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up..... TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...... I stepped up on the bridge..... walked halfway over the bridge.... looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches". He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
"Doctor Finlay! I've got a problem with a discharge."
"Aye, get stripped and lay down on the couch, I'll give ye an examination, Janet."
"Now, how does that feel?"
"Fine, Doctor, but how will that help my NOSE?"
Knock knock...
"Doctor Finlay!"
Knock knock knock...
"Doctor Finlay!"
Knock knock knock knock...
"DOCTOR FINLAY!"
"WHAT IS IT JANET?"
"Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor Finlay?"
"Can a man no have a shit in peace Janet?"
Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, "Yes." At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M's for his prize. Excited, he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M's.
She said,"Yes but, don't eat too many -- it's almost dinner." She poured a small amount into his hand. Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M's. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.
Again, Johnny repeated the actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time. Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,"Johnny, what are you doing?"
Johnny replies, "I'm playing truck driver."
She says, "Truck driver? Can you explain?"
Johnny says, "Yes, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!"
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME.
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
1 . WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(because they don't stop for directions)
3. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
4. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
5. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them)
6. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
7. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's' legs at cocktail parties)
8. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
9. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going.....)
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.
A woman in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon for a consultation.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
Then she replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader - a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
Well, there was this penguin driving an old Pontiac through Arizona.
Just as he reached one town, the engine started to hiccup and cough. Afraid of causing more damage, the penguin pulled into a garage, and asked the mechanic if he could look at the car.
The mechanic said that he couldn't look at it immediately, but pointed to a nearby diner and said that he'd look at the car as soon as possible, and come to find the penguin when he'd finished.
The penguin agreed and went to the diner for lunch.
The penguin was halfway through his ice cream when the mechanic appeared.
"Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin wiped his beak and stammered, "N-n-n-no! It's ice cream, honest!"
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, and raised his kilt to investigate.
Her friend said, "Well, he's solved a mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I dinna knae where y'been lad, but it's nice tae see y'won first prize!"