HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off all clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper, according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband is seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo, wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins, after all you're worth it! Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner and enhance natural crocus oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash rest of body entirely in ginger and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse off conditioner taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet causing the loss of water pressure and turning it red hot. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with suitable mould remover or Tilex. Get out of shower and dry with a towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest signs of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting ready.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them on the floor in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her and shout "way hey!" Look in mirror and suck in gut and admire your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror. Scratch bollocks and smell finger for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth because you don't need one. Wash face and armpits. Laugh at how loud your farts sound in the shower. Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse remembering to leave some fetching hair on the soap. Shampoo hair but don't condition. Make mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back the curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain has been outside of shower for the whole time. Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob and go "yeah baby!" whilst thrusting pelvis towards her. Throw wet towel on floor. Put on yesterday's clothes.
AN ENGLISHMAN, IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN
A Scotsman was sitting with an Irishman and an Englishman in Saudi Arabia. They were sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheik decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Irish guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Englishman, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.
Before The Scotsman could say something, the Sheik turned to him and said: "As you are from a great country, and your football teams and your rock bands are terrific, and your women gorgeous you can have two wishes!".
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Scotsman replies. "My first wish is: " I would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Englishman to my back", the Scotsman answers.
