Actual comments made by New York City school teachers on their report cards as part of their final report for the school year. All of the teachers were reprimanded for what they wrote, but in spite of that these are some of the things which were written by them. Actually, I think they should have been congratulated for their creativity, preception and honesty.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, you should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we do for Christmas?"
The first day of school for the 7th grade class brought a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good, Suzuki!", said the teacher, "Now who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Very good again!" The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F-----g Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki, once more, put his hand up.
"Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke!"
The teacher glared at the class and asked "All right! Now who said that?"
Suzuki said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!"
Suzuki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, 1997!"
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store to pick up meat, veggies and such.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat needs turning.
7. The woman goes in to check for last minute details
8. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
9. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
10. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
11. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
12. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
MONDAYS 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "Everybody Loves Osama" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune" 8:30 - "Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right"
WEDNESDAY 8:00 - "Goodnight America" 8:30 - "Third Rock From Kabul" 9:00 - "When Northern Alliances Attack" 9:30 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread" 10:00 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
THURSDAY 8:00 - "Lifestyles of the Dirt Poor and Dusty" 8:30 - "West Wing ER" 9:00 - "Veilwatch" 9:30 - "Who Wants To Be A Martyr" 10:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long Black Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
FRIDAY 8:00 - "Judge Laden" 8:30: "My Two Bagdads" 9:00 - "Achmed's Creek" 9:30 - "No Witness News" 10:00 - "Wild Wild Mid-East" 10:30 - "I Dream of Jihad"
At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any additional military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends just call me Bubba."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
A sixteen year old boy is sneaking into the house at 3:00 am (3 hours after curfew), when he is confronted by his father. "Where the hell have you been, boy?" he said. "Sorry Dad, I just lost track of the time. What a night! We ate, we danced, we hugged, we kissed, and Dad -- I had my first blow job!" The father's demeanor changes to a swaggering pride, and a sly smile crept across his face. "Congratulations, boy! How did you like it? "Well, it was pretty good, but it took a long time to get that taste out of my mouth."
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's penis, and angrily tosses its out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a man in a pickup truck with his 10- year-old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 10-year-old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed.."
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel, and I did dishonorable things while in office." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"
"I cheated on my wife while in power." The Philanderer in Chief replied. "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... perhaps you should remain standing."
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent 5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 8. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 10. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 13. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 15. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I had spent the afternoon shopping with the girls. I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else.
I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made great passionate love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
Celtic lost... got laid though.
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that startedwith the letter "T" .........
Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go to the toilet, and 83% said it was to go home.
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out