The dank Autumn moon broke through the overhanging clouds in the night sky, sending a shimmering finger of pale light towards the quiet earth, eventually landing at a small burrow on a lonely Scottish hillside.
Highlighted in the moonbeam a small nose twitched nervously, almost as if was tasting the night air. Satisfied that the coast was clear the small lithe body of the Ferret, scrambled from his hiding place and scurried into the night.
The small pinpricks of the Ferret's eyes, followed a party of heavily overdressed small children, wandering aimlessly down the country road. Each child dress in strange garb and carrying a plastic bag.
As the children passed the Ferret darted on to the road, following the children. Silently he closed in. The children laughed and joked with each other, unaware of the close presence of the small animal. Then the Ferret was close enough to strike. Darting forward at the speed of light the Fearless Ferret launched his razor sharp teeth at the nearest plastic bag. In seconds a large hole appeared, The innocent children hadn't even noticed. They continued on their merry way, leaving a trail of Nuts and Sweets lying in the road.
A meal at last! .. Thought the Ferret chewing on the monkey nut. When suddenly a small tinkle alerted every sense in his tough little Body. WHAT was that?
The Ferret's little eyes searched the road. Suddenly a small bright object caught the passing moonlight. What's that glistening on the road? ...The Ferret took two bounding steps, his eyes widened... It was a Shiny Penny.
Never before had the Ferret seen an object of such beauty. The way the Moonlight glinted from the small coin, sent his little heart racing. He could feel the Thud Thud in his chest as he sat transfixed staring at his new found Treasure.
Heart bursting, Blood roaring ...The Ferret could even hear the roaring in his ears ....louder and Louder and LOUDER So loud the very roadway seemed to shake.
Suddenly the Ferret tore his gaze away from that Shiny Penny and glanced sideways, Just in time to see the Blazing Headlights of the 16 Ton Truck.
WUMP! ... The Heavy Monster of Man rolled over the Small Ferret, Crushing and Grinding his body into the small stones of the road.
As the Ferret's blood seeped quickly from his broken body, his small weak front leg stretched forward, His small paw stroking the Shiny Penny. He drew his last breath ...And died.
As his soul left his torn flesh and headed skywards, he, even in spirit form could not resist one last glance at the little coin.
However! a cloaked figure emerged from the bushes by the side of the road. The crippled walk of an old Man stopped at the Ferrets body. His leg lashed out tumbling the remains into the ditch, as he bent forward and picked up the Shiny coin.
"BawHaw"... Shrieked the Cruel voice...The Dark cloak was cast off to reveal the Dungeon Master. His single Red Eye glanced skywards.
"At last I have yer Penny" ...."Yea little Baz-Turd Yea" (Cackle Cackle) "That'll teach you to be greedy, you got your just reward....Death and now I have the Shiny Penny" (Cackle Cackle)
The Dungeon Master spat on the Shiny Penny and polished it on his cloak before carefully putting in his pocket. He looked back down into the ditch where he had kicked the crushed body of the Ferret and laughed an evil laugh.
"It's all mine now Ferret, all mine", said the Dungeon Master as he proceeded to cross the fields, heading towards his Crypt.
Meanwhile back in the dark, dank and smelly ditch a tiny broken voice was heard...
BUT I shall return (Vowed the Ferret)
It was a seethingly Angry Ferret Spirit that reached the Golden Warren in the Sky! Upon passing through the Golden Gates the Ferret grabbed the first person he could find.
Shaking this poor unfortunate by the front of his jacket, Ferret spat into his face.
"I got tae get back down to Earth, Dae Yea Hear me, I must go back!" he screamed.
The poor unfortunate gazed into the evil yellow eyes of the raging Ferret.
"There is only ONE person can let you leave this place!"
"WHO? ....How do I find him" ..Screamed the Demented Ferret
"It's THE MASTER .. He's the One .. He only appears once a day ...He should be here in a few minutes, But I warn you ...He is ruthless in his Rule .. He can make you burn in HELL for eternity should he take a dislike to you."
Suddenly two giant doors "Creaked" and "Squeaked" as the Massive hinges propelled the timber forward.
"He Cometh" Screamed the Crowd ...Suddenly all bar the Ferret collapsed on to their knees, rubbing their faces in the dirt floor.
YOOO ...RIEEE! YOOO...RIEE! YOOO...RIEE!
They chanted in unison
YOOO ...RIE! .... YOOO...RIE!
Suddenly from those hellish Gates appeared a vision that was indescribable ... It was!
THE YOOO...RIE
"Right then!" Squeaked the voice .... "How come that furry wee baz- turd is nae bowin and grovellin at ma feet " ...He said pointing to the Ferret.
"Does he no know I'm the great YOOO...RIE" .."Hows he no shittin hissel like all the rest oh these prats?"
"YOOO...RIE" said the Ferret .... "If yer that bluddy great ...Ye'll send me back tae the earth right now!"
"OH AYE ... Yea Wizzened wee skunk ...and why should I dae that?"
"Cause I huv a Mission ....REVENGE!" ...Screamed the ferret.
"HA HA HA ....Aye", laughed the YOO...RIE .."We all have Missions of Revenge, why should I let you go?" ...
"I have tae get back and Sort out the Dungeon Master ...YOOO...RIE ...He stole my Shiny Penny"
"WHIT?" screamed the YOOO...RIE ..."But he already has 19 shiny Pennies ...That means he has 21."
"NAH! Twenty .....Christ can yea no coont" ...Asked the irritated Ferret.
YOOO ..RIE removed his black leather gloves and started counting on his fingers.
"SHITE! ...I've only 10 ...OK I'll take yer word fur it Ferret, But if the Dungeon master gets 21 Shiny Pennies, he can take over the World ....He must be stopped!"
"Send me back YOOO...RIE ...I'll stop the Evil Bazturd ....I'll eat his heart oot, I'll, I'll.."
"AYE AYE OK! Point taken.... Don't fail me Ferret or Ye'll surely Burn in the Fires of HELL."
"Go Stop the Evil one from his quest of world domination."
"Oh! ....And hear ...Get me a Mcdonalds Cheeseburger when yer doon there." Said the YOOO...RIE
MEANWHILE BACK ON EARTH.
The Dungeon Master crossed the field and headed into the dark woods where lay the entrance to his Crypt.
"Have you been up that bloody pub again", screamed a female voice, "Look at the time, your dinners ruined and you haven't fed the hounds yet" she screamed.
"Nymph, shut your mouth for once and look at this" said the Dungeon Master as he produced the bright SHINY PENNY.
"Christ" said Nymph, "We how have 20, do you know what that means?" her voice shaking with excitement.
"Aye" said the Dungeon Master, "One MORE and we can control and rule the entire world."
The Bright SHINY PENNY sparkled even in the dimly lit passages of The Crypt then suddenly a loud rumble could be felt from deep in the bowels of the Earth.
The hounds started baying, (mainly because they hadn't been fed) and lightning bolts started to richocet of the walls of The Crypt. There was one almighty flash of lightning followed by an ear splitting clap of thunder and......
Lucifer rose from the very bowels of the Earth in all his Evil Glory.
"GO FORTH DUNGEON MASTER", he bellowed, "Find that 21st SHINY PENNY and together we will rule the world."
"But where would I look oh great master, which way would I go" asked the Dungeon Master.
"Go WEST," bellowed Lucifer, "Cross the Badlands and find the hamlet of Southampton", he continued. "There it is rumoured lives the WEBMASTER a mighty warrior called ZOLA. He has the 21st SHINY PENNY, the final key to ultimate power.... Go now Dungeon Master and seek out that coin."
"Oh thank you oh great Lucifer" said the Dungeon Master, "I shall go straight after dinner"
"Fuck dinner", bellowed Lucifer, "Go NOW, there is no time to waste"
WOOOSH .....KERPLUNK!
"OUCH YA BUGGER!"..... screamed the Ferret as he hit the hard ground.
Looking skywards he screamed .... "Kin yea no be more careful YOOO...RIE .. Yea dammed near broke ma neck!"
The Heavens crackled with the voice of the YOOO...RIE
"Ghosts don't feel pain ...Yea must be alive again ...So stop yer bluddy Moaning!"
Sheech! Touchy bugger ...Thought Ferret ...Looking around him.
Where the hell am I ?
Suddenly a small head appeared over the Drystane Dyke ...A curious looking fella wearing a green hat.
"Helloo!"..... Said the smiling face.
"WHO THE FECK ARE YOU?" Asked a bemused Ferret.
"I'm the ELF of DYKE, Ray to his friends" ...He smiled.
"An ELF?" said a startled ferret .... "Here! Kin yea dae magic?"
"What sort of magic?" ...Asked the Elf
"Kin yea transport me?" ... Asked the excited Ferret
"Oh! Aye ...One sweep of my Magic Crayon and you can be anywhere I desire" ... Laughed the magical Elf
"Where do you want to go?"
"I need to find ZOLA" ...Said the Ferret ..."He holds the last Shiny Penny ...He stays in a SOUTH-HAM-TIN."
"Why does he stay in a HAM TIN?" ...Enquired the Elf.
"Don't bluddy know! ...Why do you stay in a DYKE ...Look Pal Times short, Kin yea Dae it or can yea No?"
POOOF! ...The Elf waved his magic Crayon
SHLUUMP! ...For the second time that day Ferret crashed heavily to the Ground.
Fer feck sake Man ...I wiz better aff Deid ....Muttered the Bruised Ferret.
Standing up and brushing down his Dusty fur ...The Ferret looked around.
There to his left was a large sign saying SOUTH .....and right next to that was a massive HAM-TIN
SOUTH HAM-TIN ...This must be the place. Thought the Ferret.
The Ferret scurried forward and Knocked on the Tin Door.
"ARRRRGGGG! ....WHO Wakens me from my Slumber" ...The door was wrenched open.
Standing in the doorway was the massive frame of the Zola, decked out in armour, a trickle of fresh blood running from his lips.
"Well, Well, Well ...It's the bluddy smelly Ferret ....What are you doing here?" asked the ZOLA
"It's the DUNGEON MASTER ...ZOLA ...He stole my Shiny Penny" Squeaked the Ferret
"SO ...It's not my fault if you can't look after your Pennies" Said Zola
"NO! You don't understand ...He now has 20 Shiny Pennies ...ONE MORE and...
"OH! CHRIST ALMIGHTY", said the stricken ZOLA, "He can rule the World."
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