"Murdo gave the cock meal damped withwhisky. It stood on tiptoe, crowedtwelve times and fell flat on itsbeak.
Later, Murdo, after the fifth verse ofThe Isle of Mull fell, glass in hand,flat on his back - doing in six hourswhat the cock had done in two minutes.
I was there. And now I see the cockcrowing with Murdo's face and Murdo'swings flapping as down he went.
It was a long way home." (Norman MacCaig 1974)
As you may well know, the season ofgoodwill is fast approaching us.Personally, I'm not bothered about
Xmas, its new year that this articleis devoted to. Its aimed at people
that don't know the "etiquette" thatwe Scots cycle through every year. Itcomes in 3 parts; Hogmanay, New Yearsday and the next few days after that!
"Hogmanay in Scotland is a bit likeyour Christmas - only without God tospoil things" - Billy Connoly
So here's a quick guide to all youboozers out there on having a hell ofa new year celebration, from two full-blooded hairy highlanders (well, aFifer and a Glasweigan, but whocares?)
Hogmanay (meaning "New Years Eve" forthe ill-informed among you) is usuallyspent by hordes of people flocking tooff-sales and buying enough booze toget an ordinary person blitzed for amonth. However, we Scots are made ofstronger stuff (Irn-Bru in our blood,you see)
Also, people tend to "dry-up" ie notdrink anything prior to the Bells.When evening comes, a change ofclothes and a bite to eat is allthat's needed to prepare yourself forthe forthcoming midnight... But thereis a lot of preparation needed for aHogmanay party, so...
Plan ahead. Its no use staring at theclock at 21:30 on New Years Eve, andsuddenly decide to have a party.Preparation is the key. If you canhelp it, DON'T have a party yourself.This only means you've got to clearall the mess away the next morning -no fun with a hangover!
If you do decide to throw a party,make sure you've plenty of drink. Onething guaranteed to stop a party isthe beer running out. A typicalshopping list should include:
At least 50 CANS of ordinary beer(whichever is cheapest; people'lldrink whatever's there)
At least 20 BOTTLES of Newcastle BrownAle or equivalent.
At least 5 BOTTLES of Vodka.
At least 8 other BOTTLES of otherSPIRITS.At least 3 BOTTLES of Whisky.
At least 8 BOTTLES of soft drinks (formixing).
Clear away all the breakable goods inthe house, get rid of any pets andmake sure your neighbours are invited.Its no good having a party until 5 inthe morning if the old biddy next doorwants to get to sleep at 11!
Invite EVERYONE. Not everybody willturn up, but its better to be safethan sorry. Friends, friends offriends and friends of friends offriends are all more than welcome.Remember to keep the male:female ratioup though; an all-male party canquickly turn violent!
Don't just plonk all the booze down ona table and let everyone get on withit. It'll be gone within the firsthour - instant "Party over" time.Instead, put enough down to keepeveryone happy, and restock the storeat regular intervals. Remember - ifthere's no booze, there's no party!
As the big moment, the end of theyear, approaches, make sure everyonehas a drink in their hand for thetraditional cheer. Switch on thetelly, ignore all the fiddlers and thetartan-clad dancers, and wait forit...
BONG! BONG! BONG! The start of anew year (and goodbye to an old one).Armed with a "dram" of Whisky, theREAL celebrations begin. People whowere waiting just for this momentproceed to get totally wrecked andthose who were wrecked already geteven more wrecked. Don't worry aboutthis - join in!
The party will carry on into the smallhours of the new year. The only realway to stop it is to remove all thealcohol; don't try this, it'llprobably end in a fight. Just waitfor it to run out naturally and thenfollow the people as they leave.They'll more than likely be leavingfor another party, so don't hang
around - follow them. Fuck the mess,you can do it in the morning.
If you have any sense, you'll beleaving the hard work to someone elseand going to a friends party. This isa much better idea; no mess the nextmorning and you don't have to supplyas much booze.
Turn up at the house with a fewbottles or cans (don't be stingy - itis Hogmanay and you'll probably end updrinking them yourselves). As soon asyour in the house, the MOST IMPORTANTTHING is to find a safe place for yourjacket. Its no good, 10 hours later,when you're totally legless and readyto go home, stumbling about the houselooking for that elusive bit ofclothing (and when you do find it,some kind soul have generously vomitedin the inside pocket). So locate asafe cupboard, bedroom or drawer andstick your jacket in there. DON'TFORGET WHERE YOU LEFT IT!
Now, to the serious stuff:
10 LOCATE beer 20 REPEAT 30 DRINK beer 40 UNTIL (drunk) or (midnight) 50 IF midnight 60 CHEER wildly 70 GOTO 20
Feel free to replace the variable"beer" with any other intoxicatingliquid of your choice.
When the party starts to break up,follow your colleagues. If they arejust going home, hard lines, butthey'll more than likely be heading toanother party where the booze isplentyful. Follow them (but don'tforget your jacket!)
Back to reality. Sad really, as someof us have to do really tragic things(going back to England for instance)and remembering the fun times in thefun country.
Of course, some of us live in the funcountry...